i Nili o i Ardanole Newsletter:

Your source for Lord of the Rings Updates, Poetry, Art, Parody and Satire.

Issue 7, Volume 1. July 27th, 2003. 

Editor: Perian.
Primary Contributor and Reporter: Xara.
Additional Contributing Writers: Padfoot, Nimrodel, Gollum/Smeagol.

In this issue:
Dobby, Our Friend: A Continued Interview with Gollum by Smeagol (actually Perian).
The Hobbit in Us All by Xara.
The Quest for Humour: The Evolution of a Disclaimer by Perian.
Legolas in Tights: A Brief Comment by Xara.
Misconceptions About Sauron by Padfoot.
Son of ... Why Not Father of ... ? by Xara.

In every issue:
Quote of the ... Fortnight?
Letters to the Editor.

 Dobby, Our Friend:
A Continued Interview with Gollum
by Smeagol. 
Smeagol: Welcome back, Gollum, love. 
Gollum: Thankss. 
S: We have heard that you has been to Hogwarts, Gollum. Tell us about Hogwarts. 
G: Yes, yes, to Hogwartses. Nasty, cold Hogwartses. 
S: Oh, so you don't like Hogwarts, precious? 
G: Ssss, ick, no, no. Nasty, bossy wizards. Think we're house elves, they do. They are like Gandalf meets fat hobbit. Makes me want to S.P.E.W. 
S: "Spew"? What's spew, precious, what's spew? Not ruined fishes, we hope. Oh, no, Smeagol not like ru-
G: S.P.E.W.! We has a S.P.E.W. button. So bright, but not as pretty as the precious. 
S: You has a-  
G: Don't ask. 
S: Oh. If you so hates Hogwarts, why do you holiday there, Gollum? 
G: Because you drag our selves there by our hair to see that miserable excuse for an elf, Dobby. Can't even wear leggings or blonde wigses. We alwayss knew we were prettier than elves, didn't we? 
S: Shh! Dobby's a good elf. Dobby's our friend! 
G: Hmph. That's what you said about Master. 
S: Master is our friend. 
G: We're prettier than him, too. Our eyes are more bigses and flutterable, and our hair is more. 
S: More? 
G: More. If you don't believe me, Smeagol, look at the Comic-con picsess. Master imposter is as fuzzy-bald as a newborn Olipha- 
S: Mus'n't say such things. Oh, no, mus'n't let master hear such heartless, vile truths! Change subject, change subject, quick like flame and fishes! Must ... 
G: You sound like the stupid, fat hobbit. 
S: Master likes the stupid, fat hobbit. 
G: Pagh! Master this, master that! We lives with a sycophantical toad! 
S: Not list'nin'! Changin' subject, yes! What did you do in Hogwarts when we weren't looking, Gollum? 
G: Saw beetle, we did. Lovely Rita... 
S: Ooh, a concert? You went to see McCartney without us? 
G: You're as dim as the fat hobbit, you are. Rita's a skeeter. 
S: Oh. You says "lovely Rita". Does Gollum have a little crush, precious? 
(Note from Editor's associate: According to Smeagol's own report, Gollum at this point became moody, obstinant, and silent. Is Gollum in love? Does Smeagol have a rival? Keep it here for further updates. If we can prod that self-righteous, quarrelsome little monster into ... yes, Mister Frodo, I'm coming! I'm coming!)

The Hobbit In Us All
by Xara.

  It was just last weekend when I discovered for the first time, that there is one event, one custom, one ritual, in our modern society which brings out (drags out kicking and streaming in some cases) the hobbit in us all. It was at a function, the kind that large companies such as IBM (the culprits in this particular one) throw for their employees and their families on a Sunday. We were all gathered in a large restaurant seated at long tables at the front of which spread before us the most amazing sight I have ever seen. Trays and trays and dishes, and large bowls, and tureens and platters and boards and those special silver trays with round lids that you see featured in fancy restaurants on fancy movies the name for which I am afraid eludes me and jugs, and plates all groaning with every kind of food I like to eat (with the exception of pizza unfortunately). It was an All You Can Eat Buffet.
  I rushed forward to the food expecting to be told off for my eagerness, to find that the usual tellers-off were rushing forward with me with equal enthusiasm, something which surprised me so much I had to stop for a second, and ended up last in the queue. But it didn't matter, because everything kept being refilled anyway, something which many were quick to notice, I don't think there was one person there who couldn't say they had had only one helping and not look guilty.
  We ate our fill and as I sat back and looked around I noticed something for the first time. Add some furry feet and some curly hair, and subtract some height, and the people around me would have made absolute perfect hobbits. Chatting and eating merrily away, they would not have looked at all out of place in a Peter Jackson movie, and might even have passed through Hobbiton without attracting an unusual glance (they would attract glances of course, hobbits love to gossip). If there is one thing in our modern culture that brings out the hobbit in us all, it's the All You Can Eat Buffet, and if there's one thing that will actually turn you into a hobbit, it's the Complementary All You Can Eat Buffet!

The Quest for Humour:
The Evolution of a Disclaimer
by Perian.

  The room was slightly dim, and the air stale. There was a comfortable disarray amid the spotless shelves and desks, piled as they were with innumerable volumes. Just as a library should be, though at that moment I was not interested in any of the books laid out before me. I was sitting in the dimmest, quietest corner. I had my script on the polished black table before me and my precious birthday present of The Fellowship, then freshly white, its cover gleaming green, in my scrawny, ten-year-old hands. While waiting for rehearsals I was eagerly passing through Lothlorien, still trying to remember that Strider and Aragorn were one and the same, and utterly bewildered at the fact that Gandalf was dead, as I had lost my place and skipped right over The Bridge of Khazad-dum.
  The chap who was playing opposite me in the comedy, a burly, bearish fellow who was four times both my age and size, noticed me. He glanced at the book cover and ho-hummed thoughtfully. "Good book. Have you ever read Bored of the Rings?"
  I shook my head indignantly. The name was already offensive. How could anyone have the gall to think LotR boring? He went on. "I remember reading it years ago." He chuckled. "Frito and Goddam."
  I was aghast, bristling. My Frodo so profaned? Gollum, from the cherished Riddles in the Dark, slandered? Thank goodness he didn't tell me Bilbo's new psuedonym. At ten, I was already a Purist...
  Time passed. With 2001 came the advent of the PJ film of The Fellowship, and was followed in 2002 by my discovery of the Fansite. This was the year in which I caught my first glimpse of the "Secret Diaries". It was a small hinting of a larger work of which I had no clue, and quite a jolly little thing. It joked, to both my dismay and muted delight, at the vanities of Legolas. Soon after I discovered the whole trove and read with a mounting rage. How could anyone so defile my sacred characters? Certainly it was funny in bits, but were the insinuations, vulgarities, and the defilement of what was, to me, a treasured text filled with friends as dear to me as those few I had in "real" life worth a few laughs? I long ruminated the matter.
  Where does one draw the line between parody and slander? I asked myself. Seeing no other way to discover, I tried my hand at random puns and watered witticisms, and discovered, to my Purist personality's chagrin, that it was fun. I was able to separate my cherished companions from their mouldable archetypes, and laugh for hours at the results. I found the line, only to discover it was as non-existent as the border on a map! I saw the humour in a new way; from the detached perspective. I am now able to roll at the antics of the Diaries, chuckle at the pokes and jibes on individual characters, chortle at the comics and manips. I have realised that just as only a friend will alert you to the fact you have a splatter of tomato sauce on your chin (dried and crusting, at eight in the morning,) ... only a true fan is so familliar, so comfortable, with the characters that she would feel at liberty to jibe and tease them like old friends.
  Where do we draw the line? We don't. Let yourself laugh in honour of that hobbitish spirit, and don't be afraid to try.

Legolas in Tights - A Brief Comment
by Xara.
  I would like to briefly register my amazement that Legolas Greenleaf of the Fellowship is able to walk, run, shoot orcs, stab orcs, take out cave trolls and giant squids, look gorgeous, speak elvish and occasionally be very funny...in tights!! Myself belonging to the gender more commonly known for wearing tights (or stockings as they are now called) I cannot even stand wearing them for a day, and all I do in them is go window shopping! Perhaps this amazing ability was what earned him the nickname of "Leggy"? I would personally like to propose that Legolas receive an award for his unflinching tights-wearing from Rivendell to Minas Tirith and beyond! It is a feat equal to or perhaps even surpassing that of Robin Hood himself, for which he should be commended.

Misconceptions About Sauron
by Padfoot.

  It has come to my attention that many people have a different, I mean totally different impression about Sauron. Well in writing this piece I have the hopes of you learning about the true nature of Sauron. For she is different then you think. I'll be discussing every misconception about Sauron. and if I happen to not answer a question please e-mail me at padfootandheralteregosauron@hotmail.com and I will gladly answer the questions for you.
  Now shall we get to it? Then let us begin!
  For starters Sauron was not male. Sauron is female. Now that is the number one misconception about Sauron. For some reason everyone things Sauron is male. but in actuality Sauron was female. When Tolkien wrote the Lord of the Rings novels he must have forgotten the aspect that Sauron was female. Now your wondering probably "how can a girl do that much damage and be that evil?" well it is possible. Although she did have a feminine aspect to her. During the Battle of the Last Alliance, she was woken up during the middle of the night. She ended up fighting the battle in a pink nightie that had sequins and it said "angel" on it. She almost won the battle because the Last Alliance was laughing so hard. Sauron also wears makeup. Red nail polish, red lipstick, pink blush, and blue eyeshadow. And she did have all this make up on at the battle. That to almost made her win.
  Secondly, Sauron did not have all that armor! How could she afford it? She had to pay for cable, electricity, water, phone, and Internet. And let me tell you what, Internet is not cheap. If you plan to go to Middle-earth and you decide to live there do not get Middle-Earthlink. They price you to death, anywho with all that and plus orc dental armor was not an option. So they all went out with jeans and tee-shirts. Very amusing sight rather... watching the orcs fighting in cowboy boots, jeans tee-shirts, and cowboy hats. Anywho, so now you know the truth behind that!
 Next The Black Gate was originally pink with purple polka-dots. Sauron, being female, didn’t think that just black would do.... so she painted it all by herself. But then some people visiting her at her home died of laughter. she was extremely embarrassed. Well, wouldn’t you be to? and repainted it black. Now recently some people keep painting her gate pink with purple polka-dots. And every time she has to call 1-800-gates-r-us every week to get a new gate. If your one of the evil people doing it to her gate... watch out! Ok.
  Lastly we'll discuss some exclusive information I have received about Sauron which no one else knows! Ok if you have ever wondered if Sauron is single here's your answer! Sauron is married! Yes it is true! Sauron is married! To an orc named Zurtzie. When asking Sauron about this she said that she does not know who said that but it is a lie. She says she is not married especially to an orc. We tracked down Zurtzie the orc and he said that "Yes it is true me and Sauron are happily wed two years." We then went back to Sauron and she threatened to kill me if I told anyone. Well I'm telling everyone right now so you wont hear from this reporter anymore! Ok another thing just released now is that Sauron is growing her own garden! A garden! haha!! There's pretty trees, and flowers, and the grass is so beautiful and tall. There's berries every three feet and herbs, too. And a big swing and there's even a garden-house! That’s where I spent the days...
  So now you know some new thing about Sauron. I hoped you learned something today! Sauron is just a regular female who wears pink, wears makeup, who has a beautiful garden and has a husband. This reporter has learned a lot. I hope you did, too!!!
  Sauron's lawyer, Lanola.

Son of....Why not Father of...?
by Xara.

  All those familiar with Tolkien's work will be familiar with the title "Son of..." which so often seems to follow the name of a character. Aragorn son of Arathorn, Legolas son of Thranduil, Frodo son of Drogo, Gimli son of Gloin, Boromir son of Denethor...the list goes on! But what of these fathers? Are they destined only to be remembered when their sons (or daughters) do something to earn themselves a formal title? Who are these illusive men, elves, dwarves and hobbits whose names appear so often and yet so little information is given of them. Today you will learn some of the history that goes with these titles.
  I will begin with the almost completely forgotten father of Ringbearer Frodo Baggins. Drogo father of Frodo was a Baggins through and through. He talked like a Baggins, he walked like a Baggins, he smoked like a Baggins, he ate like a Baggins and he slept like a Baggins...Until he met Primula Brandybuck. Not much is known of the romance between the two, except that they married and soon afterwards had their son Frodo. This is the part in Drogo's history when things started to go wrong, nothing to do with Frodo of course...we hope. One night when Drogo and Primula were visiting their Brandybuck relatives Drogo did something that would change his life forever, in fact, severely shorten it. He decided to take Primula boating on the Brandywine River. These was much debate as to what actually happened in that boat. There was talk of romance, murder and even over-eating, but whatever the rumours, there was one sure fact: Drogo and Primula had drowned, leaving their only son orphaned. Frodo lived with his Brandybuck relatives until he entered his tweens when he was taken in by his second cousin Bilbo Baggins and the rest is history.
  Arathorn II father of Aragorn was another great and noteworthy father yet equally forgotten. Arathorn, a cheiftan of the Dunedain like his son would become, was fifty six when he married Gilraen, a pretty twenty two year old. Soon afterwards they had a son, Aragorn, and not a moment too soon (if they didn't want the lin of Kings to be broken) for when Aragorn was only two years old, Arathorn was slain, shot through the eye by an orc arrow. His son Aragorn was then raised in Rivendell by Gilraen and Elrond who concealed his true identity from him until he was twenty years old, old enough to accept the responsibility this placed on him.
  Next comes Thranduil father of Legolas. Thranduil was a Sindarin elf who travelled northwards during the Second Age of Middle Earth and mingled with the Silvan elves of Mirkwood, later to become their King. Little is known of his past except that on their journey through Mirkwood he detained and kept prisoner the thirteen dwarves of Thorin's company and only with the aid of Bilbo Baggins did they escape. Later that year, when Esgaroth was destroyed by Smaug he sent aid to the people of the town and joined with their army in the assault upon Thorin and company, but then joined the dwarves when news came that they were under attack from the goblins of the mountains. The last we hear of Thranduil is when he is accepting a gift from Bilbo as repayment for the unoffered food and accomodation.
  Denethor, father of Boromir and Faramir, was the Steward of Gondor during the time of the war of the Ring. Although a noble man, his ruling years were tainted by constant battle with the forces of Mordor and the decay of his fine city of Minas Tirith. In his dark hours he would often gaze in the palantir which he had found in the tower of Ecthelion, and so Sauron decieved him, directing his gaze towards the might of the armies of Mordor and slowly driving him mad with despair. When his son Boromir was found to be dead, he was hardened by grief, and when soon afterwards his son Faramir became mortally ill he was maddened and attempted to burn both himself and his son on a pyre in the tombs of Minas Tirith, though succeeding only in burning himself.
  There are but a few of the tales of the fathers of the many beloved characters of The Lord of the Rings, I have listed many more below which I did not have time to write about.

Other fathers of note:
Gloin father of Gimli
Paladin father of Peregrin
Saradoc father of Meriadoc
Hamfast father of Samwise
Eomund father of Eomer & Eowyn
Thengel father of Theoden
Ecthelion II father of Denethor II
Amandil father of Elendil
Earendil father of Elrond
Oropher father of Thranduil
Finarfin father of Galadriel
Elrond father of Arwen
Galadhon father of Celeborn
Bungo father of Bilbo
Samwise father of Elanor, Frodo, Rose, Merry, Pippin, Goldilocks, Hamfast, Daisy, Primrose, Bilbo, Ruby, Robin, Tolman (Note: Any children of Samwise with LOTR character names were named after them, Sam did not father any members of the fellowship)
Peregrin father of Faramir Took.

Quote of the ... Fortnight?  

Peter Jackson, during a vast snowstorm which hit while filming:

  "As a special treat for the crew who have been so wonderful for this first year, we've bought a new snow machine. We're just testing it at the moment. It's quite amazing, it can actually cover several miles. Just one little machine blasting this snow out. It's so effective! Anyway, we'll turn it off and get back to shooting. Turn the machine off now, please! Come on! Back to work! ... It looks like we've got a problem with the snow machine. The button's jammed and we can't turn it off!..."

Hobbitish, Part II.
  ban: (adjective) half, as in Banazir: Half-wise (Samwise).
  bas: (noun) farm.
  Belmarie: (proper noun) a poetic invention in the elvish style, a mythical elvish kingdom of hobbit lore.
  Bophin: (proper noun) a surname of unknown meaning, translated into Boffin.
  bralda: (adjective) heady.
  branda: (noun) border or marchland, as in Brandagamba, the original version of Brandybuck.
Letters to the Editor. 
Dear Editor,
  I just wanted to say that I loved Prongsie's article and that I can truly relate to it.
  I'm such a procrastinator. I've been also having writers block and been busy that I haven't gotten a chance to write or post ne poetry, but when I do get the chance, I will make sure and do it!
Luv alwyz,
  P.S. I really enjoy gettin the newsletter!

  Dear Editor,
  Once again I am writing to congratulate you on another superbly enjoyable newsletter. I can't tell you how much I identifies with Prongs's article! Although I have some friends who know that scenario much better than I do! I also enjoyed and learnt from your article "The Art of Arts" and will have to keep that all in mind in the future!! I hope that I will submit work that is, well, if you insist that it was alright this week, work that I feel more confident about next time! See you in two weeks time with the next issue!