i Nili o i Ardanole Newsletter:

Your source for Lord of the Rings News, Updates, Poetry, Art, Parody and Satire. 

Issue 15, Volume 1. November 15, 2003.


Editor: Perian.
Assitant Editor: Xara. 
Contributors and Survey Repliers: Fool of a Took, Ivy, Padfoot, Prongsie, Phoenix, Tweet.

In this issue: The Wooden Spoon Award by Xara.
If The Lord of the Rings Had Been Written By ... by Perian.
A Love Interest for Legolas by Xara.
Survey Results.

In every issue:
Fanfiction: This Fortnight: ALS by Perian.
Ask Samwise.
Letters to the Editor.

The Wooden Spoon Award
by Xara.

  Ever met someone who just absolutely adored stirring people up? Ever met someone who was absolutely unable to walk into a room full of people without causing three arguments, two fist fights and a political debate before finally being banished forever for their sheer disruptiveness? I know I have. Some people, they can't help it, they're just controversial by nature and highly tactless about it too. Some people, well they just don't like anybody and show it too. But some people, they do it on purpose just to see how people will react. But whatever the reason, every place has got them, even Middle Earth. But these people are so good at disruption, so good at causing arguments and outrage, that every time they enter the plot of one of our stories, everyone gets excited because we just know something big is about to happen. We may not like them, but lets give them the credit they deserve for their efforts.
  And so came the introduction of the Wooden Spoon Award. I am yet to find out who originally invented this award. It is little known amongst society but very prestigious all the same and can be awarded by any person to any person who for whatever reason stirs other people up. And now, the time has come to bestow this prestigious award upon one very deserving character from The Lord of the Rings, someone who worked tirelessly in causing havoc and mayhem. From name-calling to treason, he sought caused disruption wherever he went and now it is my great pleasure to announce his receival of the award. Ladies and gentlemen may I have the envelope please!...*Drum Roll*...And The Wooden Spoon Award goes to...Wormtongue!
  Yes, Grima Wormtongue. From the day he entered Rohan he was unpopular, worming his way into the Kings favour and poisoning his mind until he was under Saruman's control. Wormtongue proceeded to hinder Rohan's retaliation from Saruman's attacks and can be linked through his actions to the death of Theodred heir to the throne of Rohan. When Gandalf arrived at Meduseld he threw nasty names at him which don't go down well at all and ended in his being thrown from the office of Kings Adviser and thrown from the city, rather forcefully too. When he arrived at Isengard he only caused more trouble, upsetting the ents and then Saruman himself by throwing the precious Palantir out the window, and we all know what stirring events became of that action. When he escaped with Saruman to The Shire he created more uproar by killing Saruman and then being killed himself by hobbit archers. Wormtongue's greatest Wooden Spoon achievements include the locking up of Eomer future ruler of Rohan, spitting at King Theoden, killing Lotho Sackville-Baggins, leaking Rohan's secrets to Saruman and single-handedly messing with Eowyn's mind to turn her into a suicidal-nazgul-slayer with attitude. These and many more disastrous events attributed to his name make Wormtongue one of the highest honoured Wooden Spoon Award Winners of the Third Age.
  So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, another Wooden Spoon Award Winner to enter history leaving turmoil and destruction in his wake. If you would like to award a Wooden Spoon Award or perhaps receive one yourself, you are more than welcome to. Fancy awards ceremonies are not required, all you need is a worthy candidate. If you are hoping to perhaps be awarded one yourself, Wormtongue here is a fine example of previous honourary winners.

If The Lord of the Rings Had Been Written By...
by Perian.

Though I can only speak with conviction of myself, it is certainly not uncommon for me (and probably all of you) to be riddled with what if's. When it comes to The Lord of the Rings this question becomes ever more pronounced. What if Bilbo had not found the Ring? What if Frodo had been with his parents on that fateful boat ride? What if Eowyn and Faramir had been injured, say, a few weeks further apart? What if it had been Aragorn who ran after Pippin and Merry, not Boromir? What if Sam had killed Gollum?
And of course all of this speculation soon branches out into broader realms. What if Orlando Bloom had been cast as Faramir, as he auditioned for? Or, Eru forbid, someone else had played Aragorn? What if I had never read Tolkien, or heard of the fansite? Or if all of you hadn't? What if Stephen Spielburg had directed Rings? (At this one I always spend a few contemplative minutes with a black and white melodrama which includes a visitation from Elbereth - who wants to get home - and five-note repetitious themesongs.) What if The Lord of the Rings had never been written? Then where would we be? Start, gasp, and bemoan this as you will, the worst is yet to come...
  What if The Lord of the Rings had been written by someone other than J.R.R. Tolkien?
  Oh, sweet mercy! I thank fate every day that it was not. Eowyn slaying the nazgul in armour designed by a modern lingerie company ... Poems about Luthien and Beren with the all-too-common love/dove rhyme at the end of each line ... gooey green monsters leaping out of the Dead Marshes ... pardon me while I delete that one due to indulgence in Peter Jackson's films. And so, if you will pardon the ranting preamble, may I present to you: The Lord of the Rings as written by Dr. Seuss.

Chapter One:
At the mid-end of earth where the Mordor-gas flows,
and the cloud feels dark and wrathful as it blows,
and no spies ever sing, excepting old crows,
is the Street of the Thwarted Hobbit.
And deep in the Mordor-gas some people say,
if you look hard enough you can still see, today,
where the hobbit once stood, just as long as it could,
before One Ring's will led that hobbit astray.
What is a hobbit? And why was it there?
And why did its feet grow such thick curling hair
near the mid-end of earth where the Mordor-gas flows?
The old Dark Lord still lives there. Ask Him. He knows.
You won't see the Dark Lord. Don't knock at His door.
He's perched on his tower while feeling quite sore.
He's perched on his tower, cold under the sky,
where He contemplates which drops to put in His Eye.
And on misty-moist midnights in March-time He peeks
down on Middle-earth, and sometimes He speaks,
and tells how a halfling was halted one day.
He'll tell you, though how He talks, no one can say.
"It all started way back ... such a long, long time back...

Chapter Two:
"Way back in the days when elves could be seen,
Numenor wasn't wet, and Mordor nearly clean,
And the song of the Valier rang out in space ...
One morning I came to this glorious place.
And I made a Ring! The Ring! The One Ruling Ring!
The bright glowing gold of the One Ruling Ring!
Forged in the fires of the middle-world's spring.
But of this Middle-earth so little did suit;
dwarves taking lifetimes to forge a small boot...
and oversized ridgepoles meeting to moot!
From over the pond came the invasive sound
of Elven kin-slaying while running aground.
But my Ring! My Ring! That One Ruling Ring!
Without bother it could end all such irksome things.
But if that's not enough, a vast army they built,
then stole my One Ring with no more than a hilt.

Chapter Three:
I felt a great stirring of hate in my ... Eye.
I knew just what to do! I would reach for the sky.
In no time at all I had built a tall fort',
and subdued every Eastern dale and port.
Then with great skillful skill and with great speedy speed
I took pesky elves, a new army to breed.
Soon before I finished I heard a kertchoo.
I looked. I saw something trot out of the blue
on the road I had made. It was much like a Man.
Describe him? That's hard. I don't know if I can.
He was shortish. And youngish. And brown-haired and skinny.
And he spoke with a voice that was high but not tinny.
"Mister," he said with his hand to his throat,
"look the other way or by me you'll be smote!
By me you'll be smote, or by Sam Gamgee here,
for you, Dark Lord sir, it is perfectly clear-"
(He was very upset as he lectured and huffed)
-"to our Middle-earth have done more than enough!"
"Hey hobbit," I said, "there's no cause for alarm.
These elves need to go. I am doing no harm.
I'm being quite useful, and all have agreed
that the World of Man, why, none of us need!
It is weak. It is frail. Head to big for its hat.
But it has other problems. Yes, far beyond that.
You can use them for evil or good in a day;
there is no loyalty, and they can't find their way."
The hobbit said, "Sir, you're crazy. More crazy than me.
There's no one at all who would follow your creed."
But the very next minute I proved he was wrong
For just at that instant a chap came along,
and he thought that all the lies I told him were great.
He bought nine of my rings for him and his eight.
I laughed at the hobbit, "You poor furry guy.
You never can tell what these Humans will buy."
"I repeat!" cried the hobbit, "you must let me by!"
"I'm busy," I told him. "Shut up, little guy."

Chapter Four:
I rushed to my tower. In no time at all
I sent for my Mouth, and sent out a call.
I called for my Southrons, Easterlings and orcs,
and I said "Lookie here, all you miserable sorts.
Soon  my whole bloody army will be mighty rich!
Get over here fast. Take the Road by the ditch.
Turn right at Ered Lithui," that was my pitch.
And in no time at all in the tower I'd built
the whole Mordor army was working full tilt.
They were working toward War jut as with old Melkor.
I just smiled and hummed as they hammered and swore.
But oh, precious, oh! How my power would grow
if only I had that One Ring, don't you know?
So I turned back my gaze to that cheeky young yacker.
Alas! My land had fast grown much too blacker.
When not long ago he had been there at my door,
that hobbit I just couldn't see any more.
But the next week he came... from inside Mordor.

Chapter Five:
He snapped, "My name's Frodo, not 'hobbit' if you please,
and I've wandered through what's left of Ithilien's trees
just to get here and go to your Orodruin.
You have no idea what bother your foul orcs have been...
Did I mention I was going to throw your Ring in?
NOW ... thanks to your making this Ring not quite round
it's off and gone quirky, it's dragging me down.
Your craftsmanship, Sauron, has been rather crummy.
No wonder Isildur became a whacked rummy.
Oh, and while I am here, since I don't plan to stay,there are a few other things I have to say:
For example, your cleaner has long gone gone astray."
I, the great Sauron, felt a bit bad
Listening to the hard times that he'd had.
But spiders are spiders, and spiders will grow
regardless of sweeping of cobwebs, you know.

Edited for the attention impaired.

Book Six, Chapter Three:
Now all that was left 'neath the bad-smelling sky
was that glowering gardener,
and I.
Small Frodo said nothing. Just gave me a glance ...
just gave me a very sad, demented glance ...
as a bird picked him up by the seat of his pants.
And I'll never forget the grim look on his face
when he tossed me the Ring and took leave of this place
through a hole in the smoke without leaving a trace.
And all that the hobbits left here in this mess
was a box full of sand and one word...
Whatever that meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
That was long, long ago, but each day since that day
I've hovered here and thought in an all-seeing way.
Through the years, while my buildings have fallen apart,
I've worried with all of my non-existent heart.

Book Six, Chapter Four:
"But now," says the Dark Lord, "Now that you're here,
the word of the hobbit seems perfectly clear.
UNLESS someone has this bleeping thing unwrought,
nothing's going to get better. It's not.
SO ... Catch!" calls the Dark Lord. He lets something fall.
"It's the One Ruling Ring, undestroyed after all.You are in charge of the One Ruling Ring,
now see if you can get rid of the thing.
Go to Orodruin. Throw it in there.
Cast away evilness, if you can dare.
Clean the forests. Protect them from axes that hack.
Then the hobbit and all of his friends may come back."

A Love Interest For Legolas
by Xara. 

  Legolas; without a doubt the most desired character in Lord of the Rings, ever since Peter Jackson released his version of The Fellowship of the Ring starring Orlando Bloom. And after all this orc-slaying, dwarf-befriending, fan-girl-heart-winning elf is undeniably rather good looking. But surely an elf in such demand must have a girlfriend, a love interest, like his good friend Aragorn does? Nope. No love interest for Legolas. But perhaps it is something we should consider, for future reference as it were, I'm sure there would be no shortage of girls willing to play the role! And so, who would best be suited as a love interest for Legolas?
  How about Arwen? Same race, same age...but, she is of much higher lineage than our woodland Legolas, and, small problem, she's also going out with his best friend, which, needless to say, would be awkward. If we were to take this approach we might find Aragorn suddenly becoming inclined, during battle, to 'accidentally' behead the elf, claiming, as so many have before him, that he thought him to be an enemy orc, and only realised his mistake afterwards. No, perhaps Arwen is not the perfect choice for Legolas's love interest.
  Perhaps Eowyn? She too is a fighter, and a blonde, they'd look good together. Legolas could set a record for the first male elf to go for a human female, breaking the trend for these inter-racial marriages. But, she's in love with Aragorn, and then later on Faramir. Obviously Eowyn is more interested in her own race, and things might not go too well for Legolas if he were to pursue this feisty female if she wasn't interested in him. Eowyn has a sword and well, a temper.
  Galadriel maybe? Same race, same colouring...but she too is taken! And, let's face it, she's far too old for Legolas. Wow, now we're starting to see why Legolas doesn't have a love interest, small choice amongst the main female characters. Perhaps Legolas would have more luck with some of the more minor females of the story?
  Rosie Cotton. Attractive, merry...but rather short, and taken. In the words of the secret diaries, Sam would kill him if he tried anything. Would Legolas be more suited perhaps to Goldberry? Indeterminate race, age and marital status...a complete mystery in fact, but very enchanting. However the almost constantly talking in rhymes and suspected but thoroughly unproven marriage to Tom Bombadil might be a bit of a turn off.
  Ok, this is starting to get very tricky now. Let's see, Legolas got on quite well with Gimli. Perhaps a dwarf woman would be best as a Legolas love interest? But...they are rather short, and they do have beards...Perhaps, Legolas also got on very well with Treebeard, and he absolutely loved Fangorn Forest. I've got it! An entwife! A little splintery I'll admit, and a little tall, but surely the best love interest for a woodland elf would be a woodland shepherd? Or shepherd wife? Legolas loves the forest, this we know. He also loves the sea, but let's face it he's hardly about to run off with the Watcher in the Water and, if truth be told, we don't know which gender that squid is anyway. It seems to me that, given the limited options amongst pre-mentioned female characters, an entwife would be the perfect choice for a love interest for Legolas.

 Survey Results.
1. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being a week and 10 being an hour, how often do you think about The Lord of the Rings, its characters, its contents, or its actors?

Seeing as Perian told me to guess, my guess is 32947534...  ~Fool of a Took.

  2. If you suddenly found yourself invited to be somehow immersed in the War of the Ring, what modern-day convenience would you be most likely to bring with you?

My laptop so that I could keep in touch with you lot (and make you jealous also) ~Prongsie.

Cats. I wouldn't feel right leaving them behind, and they could chase the spiders which lurk in the dark places of Middle-earth. ~Perian.

  3. Following the circumstances of the last question, in what Lord of the Rings character's company would we be most likely to find you in, and why?

Either Aragorn or Sam ... with Sam there would be a lot of cooking talk because I am a very good chef ... with Aragorn .. .I'd impress him with my obvious wit and charm ...

Frodo of course, I'm not much use in battle and anyway, I wouldn't be able to stop myself following him, he has hypnotic effects you see, Sam also found these hard to resist if you remember correctly
. ~Xara.

  4. Has the work of Tolkien changed your life, and if so how?

It's taught me to appreciate the beauty of the world, and to understand that things happen for a reason. Also, that everyone has their own battles to fight. ~Ivy.

  5. What Lord of the Rings quote do you most often find yourself thinking or repeating?

"I fear neither death nor pain." ~Tweet.

Oh goodness...um. Can I put down the whole ding-dang movie? I'm always quoting it...but right now the one I say most often (it's written on my hand right now) is "faithless is he thats says farewell when the road darkens". ~Fool of a Took.

"It takes more than an elvish piece of glass or a rabble such as this to make a king." ~Padfoot.

"... So do all that come to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." ~Prongsie.

  6. Has The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, The Unfinished Tales, or any related material ever inspired you creatively?

Yes, they inspire me to write my own novels. ~Tweet.

We are writing the whole story out in poem, and the books have REALLY inspired us to write that! ~Fool of a Took. 

  7. Crushes, infatuations, and hottie-loyalties aside, what actor or actress do you think best portrayed their character in the Peter Jackson films?

Mmm... The computers. ~ Perian. 

Elijah Wood did such a wonderful job, honestly. (Swooning infatuation aside!) Everything that he did, you could see that he was nearly becoming Frodo, and going through the same things he was. We never get to see Merry and Pippin live up to their full potential, but I'm sure, in RotK, their true nature will appear, and Dominic Monaghan (No, Q, Perian! *snigger*) and Billy Boyd will portray that nature in the best possible way. ~Ivy.

  8. Speaking of characters, have you ever personified a Lord of the Rings character (with your manner of dress, impersonations, etc.,) in a public venue? If so, how did those around you react?
I do every day! My main focuses are (Who else?!) Merry and Pippin! I'm really clumsy anyway, and I'm rather hobbit-like, and I do have a knack for getting myself into mischief! And, of course, everyone around me rolls their eyes and tells me I'm obsessed! I just smile and say, "THANK YOU!!! YOU NOTICED?!" ~Ivy.

Well I did once. Wouldn't stop wearing the One Ring or yelling "you cannot hide I see you!!" over and over. I scared a lot of people... hehe. Especially in NYC. ~Padfoot. 

  9. Give time, anything is possible. What underlying ideal of The Lord of the Rings  (for example: compassion, conservation of nature, ridding the world of long-held vices, immortality and an end to disease, etc.,) would you be most willing to devote time and effort to?

Ridding the world of nasssty evil people! ~Xara.

Probably compassion, and also peace throughout the entire world. ~Ivy.

  10. Orc butcher, cram baker, phial of Galadriel maker... of all of the professions mentioned or implied in the books, which craft would be yours?

Mysterious hobbit-follower. ~ Xara.

RING MAKER! And Dark Lord. ~Padfoot.

  11. Using the person you picked in Question 3, what do you believe his or her reaction would be to the current age?

I think Aragorn would be utterly disgusted with the state of our world now. I know I'm disgusted with it, and I'm from this time. ~Fool of a Took.

  12. And now on a more mundane and personal note, what is your opinion of the site and newsletter, how did you find it, and if given the opportunity, how would you improve it?

I love the site with all my heart and soul! And I feel the same way about the newsletter! I found it from a site award given to Nine Companions, and have been in love ever since! It gives me a place to post my poetry, come and talk to people who understand, and I can go wild without having people tell me I'm obsessed or crazy! ~Ivy.
Ok well I think the site is great, the newsletter is very entertaining and unique. I found the site when Perian so pointedly and yet artfully subtley mentioned it on my message board and the newsletter I found when Perian said she was short of articles and did I have anything stowed away I would be willing to donate. How would I improve the site? Well I would go for a slightly bolder colour scheme than what there is at the moment but Perian and my tastes in site decoration differ so that's probably not a valid suggestion... ~Xara.

Love love love love love love love ~Prongsie.

This Fortnight: A Little Something
by Perian.

Ask Samwise.   

Hi, it's Phoenix,
  Just thought I would ask you a random question, seeing as you're the Dear ... person for the newsletter.
  I just wanted to know why Legolas is called Legolas? Is it because he had not lego when he was young? Was it because he is shorter than most other elves? Is it because he really has no legs, and that they are both prosthesis's? Is it because he is really a she in disguise?
  I'm sorry if this may inconvenience you, but it has bugged me for a while.
  Thank you muchly,
  Bewildered Phoenix.

  Dear Bewildered Phoenix,
  Indeed, I myself had trouble comprehending the name. Beginning with your second question: yes, yes, hmm maybe, and I think so. Of course, don't tell Legolas I said so. The official story is that Legolas means Greenleaf in the elves' language, but do you buy that? No, neither do I. Your ideas make much more sense. But I didn't say so if they ask. They're wonderful folk, elves, but a bit defensive.
  Altogether convenienced,

Dear Samwise,
  Under your instructions I have taken a certain Took Thain to help me on a mission of revenge, but he keeps demanding second breakfast and hot baths and then when I give him the bath he splashes it all over the bathroom and runs around the house soaking wet with only a towel on which is most traumatising! Forget revenge, how do I get rid of him?! He took down all the Frodo posters on my wall and used them for kindling to boil stew in the middle of my bedroom!!! Argh!!!  ~Xara

  One moment, I'll get rid of him for you. There we are, I've put in a call to Anti-Thain Thugs Anon. They should have him out of there right quick.

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Hobbitish, Part X.

thain: (noun) king.
Thrimilch: (noun) May.
Tolma or Tomba: (noun) a proper name, often translated to Tom.
trahald: (verb) burrowing in. Was the original name of Smeagol.
tran: (verb) burrow.

Letters to the Editors (from the Editors).

Dear Editor,  You mean...Frodo wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings?! *faints* wow, that's given me a lot to think about that article!!! Thank you for the enlightenment! Also, Prongsie, I have no objections to you replacing Rosie Cotton with yourself as long as you leave Frodo to me, alright? Thank you. Well, I was all alone on the Letters to the Editor column this week, almost reminds you of old times again, hey ed? I may have to call in a favour with an elf friend of mine...wait, she doesn't owe me any favours...hmm...*starting thinking* Can't wait for the next issue oh Editor in Chief!!!

  Heh heh heh, yes, well, Tolkien did hint at it in The Return of the King, didn't he?
  Alone again. Just like old times. Well, perhaps the suddenly increased subscribership will change that! We can only hope.
  The Other Editor.