Your source for Lord of the Rings News, Updates, Poetry, Art, Parody and Satire.

 

Issue 18, Volume 1. December 26th, 2003.

Staff:
Editor: Perian.
Assistant Editor: Xara. 
Contributor(s): Ivy Brandybuck.

The End of an Era
by Ivy Brandybuck.

  Most of us have seen it by now. We laughed, we cried, we sat in suspense. All emotions came and went freely. We saw The Return of the King.
  This film is truly amazing. Not just because it's The Return of the King, but because it's a part of us, whether we realise it or not. For two years we have waited in anticipation for this film, and finally, here it is. The film we've all been waiting for has finally arrived.
  Though it affects us in more ways than one. We have lived and breathed this film and this book for as long as we can remember. As I sat in the darkened theater, I couldnae help but feel a strange sense of foreboding. I didnae realise until the credits were rolling just what it was. The Lord of the Rings was my whole life up until that defining moment. That moment was the moment I realised this: It is over. It is finished. It is done. We've all gone through The Fellowship of the Ring. "It was so amazing! And to think, there's still two more!" We've all gone through The Two Towers. "That's was so great! And there's still another one to go!" And now, most of us have gone through The Return of the King. But what is there to say once this one is over? We cannot say "I cannae believe there's another one!" Why? Because there is no other one. When it finished, I cried. Not because the film was sad, but because it was over. I think that when you see this film, a piece of you will be gone. You'll feel complete, like you've finished a life long task, and you did your best. But a tiny bit of you will be gone. The fanatic in you won't be as... well... fanatic as it used to be. You won't feel that sense of excitement come December, nor the torture of having to wait.
  The Fellowship of the Ring will be ended, the saga of The Lord of the Rings will be over. These characters are everything to us, and when they're finally gone, it comes as a hard blow of shock. Though it has come to an end, it will live on forever in us: The Lord of the Rings Fanatics!

"Wouldn't It Have Been Easier?"
by Xara.

  Amongst the many criticisms of Lord of the Rings by these unenlightened non-fans perhaps one of the most common or at least less ludicrous is the fact that the Fellowship walked all the way to Mount Doom. A long way to walk they say, which is of course true, and a way much more easily covered by some faster means of transport. At this criticism fans have often been stumped, it being too difficult to explain to these non-believers that it was Elrond himself who proclaimed that they should be walkers and he being one of the wisest people in Middle Earth probably had a very good reason for this. However, on closer study of Lord of the Rings it becomes quite obvious that Frodo and Sam and there companions wouldn't have got very far at all had they not been relying on their own two feet.
  Let me be begin with the most obvious alternative means of transport available, horse and pony. Wouldn't it have been easier if they had rode to Mordor? ask some. The answer it no. They did, if you remember, bring a pony with them, Bill, but had to turn him loose when they entered the Mines of Moria as he could not possibly have walked those sightless paths and especially with all the orcs and balrogs and narrow bridges lying around. Imagine the cacophony of trying to bring four ponies and five horses through Moria! Or over Carad-hras or through the Emyn Muil, down the river Anduin, over the Emyn Muil, through the Dead Marshes, Shelob's Lair and the Plains of Gorgoroth. Horses and ponies however swift and sturdy would surely be more of a hindrance than a help on the long road to Mordor.
  Alright, what about a bicycle then? They're not live, they wouldn't go wild with fear when faced with orcs and dark tunnels and you don't have to feed them! Well, the answer to this of course apart from the fact that there were no bicylces in Middle Earth is that there is no way even Boromir would have appreciated or been able to lug a bicycle up a snow-storm ridden mountain, fit it comfortably into a boat, get it across the Emyn Muil etcetera, etcetera. The truth is that on such a journey there would be very few opportunities to use the bike, although perhaps if Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli had had some on them they might have caught up with that orc army and challenged it even though they were outnumbered about 100 to 1 and thus of course would now be dead. You see, bicycles aren't such a good idea after all.
  Now here comes an interesting argument. Why couldn't Gwaihir and some eagle buddies given them a lift the whole way? Well that's obvious, it's ok for an eagle to carry around the occasional dwarf, hobbit or reborn wizard for an afternoon but it's a long way from Rivendell to Mount Doom and at such a distance even Pippin would start to get heavy. And besides eagles have much better things to do and much more pride than to turn themselves into a taxi service (I know that's a bit contradictory coming from me but it's true and that was pure humour). 
  Oliphaunts? Don't be ridiculous. Horse and cart? Too cumbersome. Wargs? Not unless the Fellowship was on the quest for the warg's belly. Airplane? Wrong millennium. The Fellowship quite simply couldn't have gone on their quest any other way. It may have been longer, it may have been more tiring, they may have been in desperate need of some Nike's but there was simply no other way it could be done.

Rings Fit for a King
by Prongs.

I suppose when one has completed one's final examinations, one does tend to act slightly mad. Call it mad, call it a waste of money, call it pathetic if it pleases you, but my fourteen friends and I had the time of our lives at the Return of the King on Wednesday!
  Not having time to dress up in costumes since most of us had just finished our exams an hour prior, we did manage to come up with a proclamitory t-shirt each. Mine -- a pale green sweater -- read "Sam -- the true hero" on the front and "All hail Aragorn" on the back. Dana wore a plain white tank with a "Hotometer" on it -- Pippin being the hobbit to garner the most votes. Rob had on a black tee which announced "Who needs squeaky clean elves, scruffy rangers and cute hobbits -- Sauron rules all!".
  Needless to say, we garnered quite a few stares while waiting in line to be let into the theatre but we were not fazed out in the least. When at last we were let in, we made a mad dash to grab the best seats in the house, and had yet more furtive glances thrown our way. Did we waver in our quest to being the happiest bunch in the movie house? Not at all.
  With enough candy, popcorn and soda to feed a household of thirty children, we sank comfortably into our seats to watch the movie. I wont say much about the movie, as some of the readers have not yet seen it. All I will say is that I have never heard so many people clap, cheer, sniff and sob during a movie in my entire theatre experience. The audience gasped in unison, the booed in unison, the groaned in unison ... it was like we were all of one mind!
  Having watched the movie once, we left our coats, hats and gloves in our seats, went to the washroom to do our business, then promptly returned to watch it again. The second viewing was even better than the first and once more, the audience and the atmosphere was fantastic. At the end, we gathered some more strange looks as we rose simultaneously, joined hands, and sang and swayed along to "Into the West". The entire experience was a whirlwind of excitement, fun and tears and I thank P.J., the cast and the crew for this blessed and wonderful treat!

Cousins
by Perian.

  Evil Giant Flesh-Eating Spiders, you'd think the title said it all! I mean, what more can there be to say about them except that they're very big, flesh-eating and evil...nothing, right? Wrong. Believe it or not, these spiders which have made important cameo appearances in Tolkien's three most famous and most read books have one of the most interesting family histories I've ever seen. Of course, it is an evil family history, but it's not so giant that it cannot be told in one sitting.
  It all began with Ungoliant, the most evil and ancient of all these evil and ancient spiders. Nobody knows exactly where she came from, but it is thought that she was a spirit similar to the ainur, maybe a fallen maia like Sauron was? Ungoliant was Morgoth's ally and a perpetrator in the darkening of Valinor. She could weave shadow around her, and she was ever hungry. She went with Morgoth into Valinor one sunny day and sucked dry the Two Trees of Valinor, Laurelin and Telperion, so that all the land was filled with darkness, and in the confusion under the cover of night Morgoth was then able to steal the Silmarils of Feanor, and we all know how much trouble that caused. After that not much is known of Ungoliant, except that when he refused to give her the Silmaril's (to eat) as promised, she tried to eat him, but he cried out and his servants heard and came and shooed the not-so-itsy-bitsy-spider off. After that it is said that she fled and wove such dark webs as she could, never able to satisfy her hunger until she eventually devoured herself, a commendable feat which had never been accomplished before or since, though many have tried.
  Next in line in this most interesting family tree comes the evil Shelob. Ungoliant had many children of course, but Shelob, having attacked the Ring-bearer and his faithful servant, is the only one who ever made it into Tolkien's writings unfortunately. Now Shelob, though she lived on the borders of Mordor, was not in league with Sauron, she had been there long before and would remain long after. Though she did inadvertently prove to be a very useful servant, guarding the tunnel through the Ephel Duath (Mountains of Shadow) better than any orc could. Little is known of Shelob until, around the time of his escape, Gollum had become her servant and worshiped her, and brought her food, before eventually loping off in pursuit of the Ring. Many, many years later though, Gollum returned to her, bringing Frodo and Sam as food offerings, in the hope that, after she had eaten them, he would obtain the Ring. However this didn't go quite as planned when Frodo and Sam broke through her Lair. Shelob came after them and managed to bite and poison Frodo, but then had to contend with Sam who stabbed out her eyes and then her belly. This did not kill her, but badly wounded her and it would be many years before Shelob was fit to hunt again.
  All this happened 77 years after Shelob's children, who had taken up abode in Mirkwood, accosted Thorin's company on their journey to the Lonely Mountain and, incidentally, it was with the same sword that Frodo used to break out of Shelob's Lair and Sam used to defeat her that Bilbo fought and killed his own evil giant flesh-eating spider, and many more, when he rescued twelve of his companions from their grasp. Taking into account that hobbits seem to be the only race able to defeat these giant flesh-eating spiders, you might even go so far as to call hobbits Spider's Bane. Now all I need is a hobbit or two to guard all possible entrances to my room, and I'd never be faced with the evil spawn of Ungoliant again!