i Nili o i Ardanole Newsletter:

Your source for Lord of the Rings News, Updates, Poetry, Art, Parody and Satire.

 

Issue 19, Volume 2, January 9th, 2004.

Staff:
Editor: Perian.
Assistant Editor: Xara. 
Contributor(s): Prongs, Ivy Brandybuck, Lady Galadriel, Padfoot, Jenarwen.

In this issue: The Tale of Frodo and Sauron.

Introduction.
Live Wedding Coverage by Xara.

So They Got Married... So, What Now? by Prongs.
Secrets Revealed by Ivy Brandybuck.
Sauron - What is Under That Helmet? by Xara.
The Wedding: What Really Happened? by Ivy Brandybuck.

In every issue:
Fanfiction: This Fortnight: Chapter One of a tale by Ivy Brandybuck.
Random Fandom.
Ask Samwise.
Classifieds.

 

Introduction.

 

My dear elves and hobbits, orcs and humanoids, Ladies, Lords, lads, and Maid of Honour (whatever you be), welcome. What you are witnessing is the culmination of over four ages of history, the final merging of two individuals whose fates have intertwined throughout time uncounted.
  So quoth Frodo at the opening of his wedding. What wedding? Why, to Sauron, of course. 

Yes, this issue, also known as The Tale of Frodo and Sauron, covers this completely unexpected and fate-crossed romance in great detail.
  Before we proceed, those subscribers who are not members of the site deserve a disclaimer and explanation. Firstly, this entire situation is pure parody. No need to start lamenting that you are receiving spoilers for some obscure volume of The History of Middle-earth. Furthermore, if you are a very easily offended Purist, read no further. As a Purist myself, I would understand whatever reaction you may have, but, still, we value our lives here.
  Now, to introduce you to the tale. In the dawning of this world (a.k.a. last summer) Sauron stunned the Fellowship of Arda by proposing to Frodo, the bringer of her doom and prior to that moment greatest nemesis. What followed was a long tide of mixed emotions, a muttered "Yes", and several months of procrastination. On December 19th/20th, the pair were to marry on the i Nili message boards... but did they? This article will delve into the ins and outs of the wedding, and hints prognostically at what may yet come.
  The cast of characters are played by i Nili members, as follows:

 

Sauron: Padfoot.
  Frodo: Perian.
  Merry (Best Man): Ivy Brandybuck.
  Aragorn (Groomsman): Viggo's Girl.
  Flowergirl and i Nili's chief corespondent: Xara.
  Bridesmaids: Angel and Di.

 

Etc., etc., you get the idea. Enjoy!

 

 

Live Wedding Coverage

by Xara.

 

(A brief overview for those who missed it.)

  I arrived an hour early and began handing out flowers and welcoming the guests on behalf of the bride and groom. [Merry, aka] Ivy came, and Fool, and Angel, who said she could only stay until 11:15, so I gave her an extra big flower and promised to save some cake. then Smeagol and Moony turned up and I started practicing dropping flowers down the aisle. That’s all that’s happened so far.
  Half an hour to go and Merry has started panicking because he has no speech. He’s also sniggering at me and won’t tell me why! Hmpf! Fool seems to be a bit worried, she doesn’t know how the ceremony is going to work. Still neither bride nor groom have turned up. Merry still refusing to tell me! Everyone seems somewhat confused. It’s looking like it’s turning out to be a controlled chaos this wedding. The atmosphere is very hectic; people running all over the place finishing off their outfits, writing speeches, rehearsing the ceremony. It’s electric. For some people this is the middle of the night, and coffee is being passed around. Twenty minutes to go and still no sign of the bride or groom. Moony's starting to wonder where Paddy [Sauron] is. I reckon she’s planning a big entrance, or having second thoughts.
  Seems to be a lull in activity. Thirteen minutes to go and still no bride or groom. You guys haven’t eloped, have you? Merry says he'll kill you if you’ve eloped because his uniform is incredibly uncomfortable. Smeagol’s uploaded Gollum's 'rock and pool' song, hehe. Seven minutes to go...where are you two?! Five minutes ... Frodo has arrived! [His speech is] too long, shall read it later when I have more time. Magnificent entrance, was wonderful, very spectacular. 11:01. Angel says she must leave now.
  Wedding now has an atmosphere of pure panic. Five minutes after starting time and Sauron not here yet. Beers have been handed round. Sauron has arrived! Bride and groom have arrived. Bride rather flustered.. Wormtail arrived. Tookie rather flustered. Controlled chaos becoming slightly more apparent but everyone doing a good job of acting calm. I for one haven’t got a clue what I’m meant to be doing, just making it up as I go along. Bridesmaid missing. V.G. arrived. Di has arrived...was late because of misdirections. Smeagol wearing shirt saying "I survived Mount Doom" hehehe, with six barrels of beer! Wow! Groom hyperventilating, running everywhere. Mayhem as I had guessed. Fifteen minutes and the ceremony is not yet underway. Iwill continue to greet guests to distract them from the chaos. Maid of Honour not coming. Merry hyperventilating too. Hard to keep up.
  Eighteen minutes and wedding hasn’t started yet. Things starting to look slightly more organised, slightly. Groom calmed down a little now. Wow, I feel like a real reporter doing this! Mayhem, chaos. Prongsie not here. Prongsie organiser. No one knows when to start. Twenty-six minutes past the hour and still no wedding. What now becomes of this wedding? Without the organiser, hope is lost. Will Frodo and Sauron actually get married? Who knows!
  Half past the hour, and nobody seems to know what to do. I have taken it upon myself to try and bring some order and organisation and see what happens. It’s started! False alarm. ‘Twas just Merry's speech. Very cool. Bravo Merry!
  Tookie is getting into position. Tookie seated in tree ready to begin, in robes. Getting into procession. Frodo in position at altar. Tookie has begun the ceremony with an exquisite metaphorical speech. Splendid! Splendid! I could not write like that! Speech has induced tears in many of the onlookers. Ah, Tookie did not write it after all ... Still, ‘twas very nice! Very nice indeed! Tookie asked if ne one knows of ne lawful impediment...blah blah...speak now or forever hold their peace. No bridesmaids to follow me yet but Sauron seems to think I’ve done nothing wrong and is getting ready to follow. Tookie realises she’s gone to far ahead and looks embarrassed. Merry has objected to the wedding!!! So has Di ... objectors are scolded. Merry is being interrogated by Fool. Di looking impatient. Both Merry and Di telling their objections at once. Bridesmaids still not following me down the aisle. Mayhem. Ah, Di doesn’t have an objection after all, just being mischievous. Merry says he is female...but can she prove it? Not sure if those bridesmaids will ever get the chance to follow me now. Think I will faint. Merry has not repeated 'he’s a she' claim and just says her heart protests. Maybe the bridesmaids will get their chance. Argh! Di poured ice all over me! Gar! Have continued to walk down aisle to distract people from the scandal. What are those bridesmaids playing at?! Frodo looking rather horrified. Merry now has sword, things could get violent. Must protect groom! Oh no!!! Sauron has a sword as well! Tookie getting impatient, looking to Frodo to explain. I’m running to Frodo to stand protectively in front. V.G. [a.k.a. groomsman Aragorn] has joined me with sword to protect Frodo!!! Di taking bets. Frodo trying to keep peace. Shelly has joined me and V.G.! Merry looking dangerously violent. Should have brought my sword: have been reduced to defending Frodo with flowers. Frodo has threatened to commit suicide if Sauron and Merry start to fight. This threat seems to get through to Merry. Frodo looks on the brink of telling something but seems to be fearing for his life.
  It looks like Sauron and Merry are gonna fight. I think I’ll designate myself to protecting Frodo if this turns into a battle. Aragorn's calling for a calm down. Frodo has run between Merry and Sauron. Tookie really angry now. Sauron has put down sword, a good sign. Is Frodo gonna talk? Have offered my protection. Frodo told Merry to explain. I have discovered flower basket very good as shield. Flower not good as sword but will have to do. Aragorn offered protection to Frodo, too. Dammit, Aragorn's a better fighter than me, and has a real sword! Still, I was the first to run to Frodo’s aid! [Smug.] Di's still looking for bettors. Looks like Merry wants to get married to Frodo instead. We want to know what’s going on. Stop stalling, Frodo. Yes, Merry's challenging Sauron for the groom. Lady G has just arrived. Doesn’t know what’s going on. Not going to explain, will take too long. Aragorn sharpening sword. I am very jealous. Have swallowed pride and asked Aragorn if (s)he has a spare sword. Looks like they might not fight. Merry just wants Frodo to choose. Frodo still stalling. Think he has not the slightest clue what to do. Aragorn lent me dagger. I feel much more confident now, protecting Frodo. There’s gotta be a choice soon, or Frodo will crack under the pressure and run away. Ooh! Shelly gave me a sword! Looks like Frodo's turning Merry down. Ah he’s drawing it out. Hmpf.
  Think the wedding’s back on. I have gone back to the back of the aisle and asked bridesmaids to back me up this time. Wait, what’s going on? Frodo’s not finished yet? Ugh! Quickbeam just turned up. Nope, Frodo’s definitely turning Merry down. Merry rejected. Have begun down the aisle again, hope the bridesmaids are coming this time. Aragorn taken my guarding position of Frodo in my absence. Ah well, will put jealousy aside and just be happy. Yes, will stop being jealous of Aragorn now. Aragorn my friend. Only one bridesmaid now instead of two. Ah well. Reached end of aisle...is the bride coming? Where is the bride? Sauron should be walking down the aisle now. Never mind the bride, where’s Tookie? Sauron missing. Where is the bride!?! What is it with those two and drama!?! One and a half hours and Sauron hasn’t even walked down the aisle yet. Ah Sauron’s at the front. Phew! Tookie missing. I have offered to stand in for her. Di and Aragorn also offered. Hmm, ok Sauron has said I do. Di has tried to trick Frodo into marrying Merry by mistake instead. I have warned him. Oh, Di has admitted mistake. Frodo said "I do" but looked like on the verge of mental collapse...Wait...Confusion. No one knows if Frodo said "I do" to Merry or Sauron. This is mayhem. Time for the reception.

So They Got Married … So, What Now?

by Prongs.

  

If you have been living in a box over the past month or so, it may come as news to you that Frodo Baggins and the Dark Lordess, Sauron, were married on the 19th of December. Sadly, this reporter was unable to witness the union, but she heard that it was “a party of great magnificence”. 

Says this reporter, the headache of getting married is over, the headache of married life is about to begin. Mordor and the Shire are at the opposite ends of Middle Earth! Where would the happy couple live?! Let us examine this problem in detail. The options are A, Frodo moving into Barad-Dur and B, Sauron moving into Bag-End. 

A makes sense, but isn’t the Dark Fortress too big a place for wee Frodo? Not to mention too evil? No matter how homely and sweet Sauron makes it, the wicked presence in the air would remain. And could Sauron really take Frodo away from all his Shire friends? I don’t believe so! In light of this, the most obvious solution would be for Sauron to move into Bag-End. Wouldn’t Sauron be too big for that hobbit hole, though? Aye, she would. Also, where would Morgoth sleep? And would the hobbits of the Shire be comfortable having a Dark Lordess in their midst, Sauron’s reputation having preceded her? This reporter doesn’t believe so. 

Assuming the accommodations are sorted out, the next big question any couple living together have to address is what side of the bed each member will sleep on. Never having been in a situation like this in her life, this reporter does not have the answer to that question. Of course, it is up to the couple themselves to sort it out however, a very wise word of advice is offered – compromise. 

Now that the sleeping conditions have been addressed, we turn to the issue of food. This, according to Bilbo Baggins in his book “There And Back Again – A Hobbit’s Tale”, is a primary concern in almost every hobbit’s mind, so the reporter imagines that Frodo will be most anxious about this subject. It is the belief of this reporter that Frodo will be in charge of the cooking – him being the hobbit, ergo the better chef. Also, there is the question of what Sauron will stick into the cooking pot if she runs the kitchen. Humans, elves, dwarves, hobbits – or worse yet, stags? 

On that horrifying note, this reporter will retreat to her fortress where no one can ever cook …er, reach her. She wishes you a safe life!

Secrets Revealed
by Ivy.

 

When you hear the words 'wedding', 'Frodo', and 'Sauron' in the same sentence, your eyes might widen. Then again, in the strange world in which we live, we've come to expect things like that. But there's something stranger than that. Yes, that's right, there is something stranger. 

Meriadoc Brandybuck is the Best Man at the wedding of Frodo and Sauron. He begins his speech: "Ladies and gentlemen, bride and groom, hobbits and elves alike..." Seems innocent enough, though no one was prepared for the objections that followed. And when I say objections... I mean it literally.
  As the "I do"s were about to be spoken, Merry stepped forward and revealed himself to be more than what he appeared. Removing his helmet with a flourish, he showed himself to be a she, and asked for Frodo's hand. You can imagine the mayhem that ensued. The Merry-newly-turned-Marry gave an amazing speech, declaring her love for the hobbit, and that she held no ill will towards the Dark Lordess. As swords were about to clash over Mr. Baggins, he and the flowergirl Xara intervened, asking for it to be settled peacefully. Sides were quickly chosen, with Sauron's supporters largely outnumbering that of Ms. Brandybuck. Frodo watched in horror, with the occasional "Marry... no!" uttered under his breath as Sauron and Marry fought for the one they loved.
  Words were spoken, crowds got angry, and swords and spoons were brandished, but in the end, Sauron once again reigned. The wedding proceeded otherwise smoothly, the reception going long into the night. 

Though, if you are me, you cannot help but be curious about the relationship between Marry and Frodo. Marry, who was seemingly a man, tells us she is a woman, and asks Frodo to marry her. When she was turned down, Frodo mentioned his "feelings toward her". Apparently he knew about our hobbit in disguise. 

This raises a burning question: What went on between Frodo and Marry? Well, it's much, much more than it appears. Frodo and Marry's relationship goes back to before the War of the Ring. "He knew me since I was born..." Marry states, as she fidgets with a curl, "We had a lot of things in common, and I suppose it grew from there." But after the Ring was destroyed, what happened? "Frodo went to the Valinor... He was supposed to be gone forever, you know? So I settled down and had children. Then he came back. I obviously couldnae do anything... I was married! So life went on." Seems normal enough. Two pe- er, hobbits in love, one leaves, the other moves on. One comes back, the other can do nothing, so they remain friends to the best of their ability. Then came the shock. "Estello went missing..." Marry told us, "And then I found out from Sauron that Morgoth had taken him for... for... ho-hobbit soup..." She gets teary-eyed as she goes on. "It took me a long while to get over it, but Frodo was there to help me the whole time. By the time I was somewhat alright again... Frodo was engaged." She told us that while she tried to keep her feelings for Frodo hidden, she had no choice but to come forward finally. "When he asked me to be the Best Man, I saw my chance. I know it was horrible of me to ask him to marry me at his own wedding, but I thought that would be the best time." 

When we asked Marry what was going on between them now that everyone knows Frodo and Sauron were not wed, she had no comment. Frodo could not be reached. So we still wonder. We know something went on between them. We know it did before the wedding... But what now? That we just may never know.

 

Sauron - What is Under That Helmet?
by Xara.

  Sauron the Dark Lord of Mordor was a very scary figure in Middle Earthean lore. The mere mention of his name was enough to send shivers down the spine of any of the inhabitants of Middle Earth. The blood of the past on his hands, his evil reputation, his menacing realm in the East, his terrible servants, these are but a few reasons why Sauron was feared by all, even his minions. When he appeared on the slopes of Mount Doom at the Battle of the Last Alliance he struck fear into the hearts of his enemies, his huge height, his great mace, his impenetrable armour and of course his helmet that looked so much like a dead horses head. But why would this all powerful Dark Lord feel the need to wear a helmet in battle? Nobody got a chance to get near his head! And more importantly, what is under it?
  The mystery of what lies beneath that fearsome helmet is one with absolutely no scrap of evidence to go on, only the mere hintations of clues. What did the face of this mythical menace look like? Was it fiery? Freckled? Menacing? Mediocre? Angry? Or Angelic? In answering these questions one must first answer the question of why he was wearing a helmet in the first place. The possibility of it being for his own protection in battle has already been eliminated for reasons listed above and also because, if that were the case, there would be no need for him to wear it in other situations which we are shown in The Fellowship of the Ring that he did. So, if it wasn't for protection, what was it for? Think, why else would Dark Lord Sauron want to hide his face? Because he didn't want people to see it!
  This is the only other explanation for his wearing of the helmet and with that answered, we can now begin to get a picture of what was under the helmet. The helmet Sauron wears is truly evil looking. If he wanted to intimidate his opponents, and his face would serve, then surely he would not have worn the helmet. It can then be deduced that Sauron's face was not very intimidating. This could be one reason for his wanting to hide it with something a little more what you would expect of a Dark Lord. Perhaps underneath that helmet that haunts our darkest dreams is the face of a bank manager or Mordorian tourist? Perhaps his face was such an anti-climax to the reputation that went before it that Sauron simply could not risk showing it?
  There is also the possibility of Sauron's face being so ridiculous that had he not worn the helmet he would have been laughed off every battle in Middle Earth. Perhaps it was similar to that of the ancient Egyptian gods. Maybe Sauron had the head of a Jackal? Or an Ibis? Or a crocodile? Fearsome faces perhaps but when attached to a human body, you have to admit, they do look rather ridiculous! Or perhaps Sauron had an incredibly bad case of acne or freckles. Maybe in his youth he had accidentally dipped his head in the Fires of Mount Doom and come out with a mangled blob on his neck instead?
  These are possibilities which should seriously be considered when trying to discern what is underneath that dead horses head helmet of his. But in the meantime, this is simply yet another mystery of Middle Earth that remains sadly unsolved.

The Wedding: What Really Happened?
by Ivy.

  Most of us were there for the wedding of this age. We all saw the defining "I do"s... But what really happened at the wedding of Frodo and Sauron? There have been a few questions hanging in the air. "Were they really married?", "Did Frodo say 'yes' for other reasons?", "Why did Sauron ask?" Let's see if I can clarify.
  For those of you who attended the wedding, you'll know that Tookie was our marrier. She was doing an excellent job atop her tree branch, until she suddenly disappeared around "I do" time. (We later discovered this was internet difficulties.) After looking for her frantically, and producing no Tookie, Xara, the flowergirl, and Di, a guest at the wedding, took the liberty of finishing the vows and pronouncing the new husband and wife. Of course, the reporter side in me thought this quite interesting, so I hunted down the only lawyer in Middle Earth who would answer my questions. All others were quite hesitant... Anyway, the lawyer shall remain nameless for safety reasons, as it were.
  "Frodo and Sauron," He says, "Were actually never married. If your marrier disappears halfway through the wedding, and there is no other certified marrier to complete the job, the "I do"s themselves meant nothing." Even though we all appreciated Xara's and Di's wonderful words, the wedding itself seems to never have taken place. That is to say, the bride and groom were not wed. And to think, no one's head was chopped off in the process... Wonderful news!
  As I was reading an article I had written for a past newsletter, I inevitably saw the answer to our second question. "I'm not sure which of my Ring-created or born personalities said 'yes', if you follow me..." said Frodo, referring to if the wedding would be hindered after the Ring was destroyed, "So if it was destroyed... I think we may be in some trouble..." I think I can sense some fear in that remark, but I'm just the reporter.
  And now, this was the question that puzzled me the most. Why did Sauron ask? The most likely and obvious answer is of course, "Well, she loved him!" But was that always the case? I think not! In a discussion I had with the Dark Lordess one night, she revealed to me a master plot. "I was going to marry Frodo and corrupt him," she told me, "And once that was done, I'd use him to take over Middle Earth!" The shock came first, and then the flood of questions. She rushed to explain that the plan was off, as she had fallen in love with Frodo. "At first I didn't, but then I got to know him better, and I just called the plan off!" Sauron said.
  So it seems there was no marriage, and that both sides had some plot or secret to hide. Though this still raises more questions. Questions I won't ask, so that no one has to answer them. Secrets, lies, hidden plots, and lots of potatoes. What's next? An affair? Maybe I shouldnae have asked...

Fanfiction.
This Fortnight: Chapter One of a tale by Ivy Brandybuck.

  "Diamond! Come quick! Estella has gone into labour!" Merry cried frantically, hopping around nervously outside the window of the kitchen. "Come on, quickly!"
  "Already?!" Diamond asked incredulously, quickly drying off her hands and running to the door, where Merry was already waiting. "She's not due for another three weeks!" As fast as their feet could carry them, Merry and Diamond ran down the street, and burst into the main bedroom of Merry's home, where Estella was in the already painful and fastidious rhythm of childbirth. Diamond ran over to the girl, and immediately set herself ready to help deliver the child.
  "Merry, go and get me a cold cloth, and then find Pippin and bring him here." Diamond said, in between counting out breathes for Estella, who had yet to say a word. Merry brought Diamond the cloth, and hung around the doorway until she told him off, finally satisfied once she heard the door slam.
  "Diamond... how... much longer..." Estella asked, between breathes and cringes of pain.
  "It's alright, lass... in time, in time..." Diamond said soothingly, still counting out breathes, and running the cloth along her forehead. A few moments passed in nearly complete silence, save for Estella's sobs, or Diamond's soothing words. Just then, Merry and Pippin burst in. Merry ran to Estella's side, taking her hand in his, and stroking her hair. Pippin held back, and tried not to gag at the site of someone giving birth. He remembered what it was like when Diamond had Faramir, and did not wish to relive the thought. Minutes turned into hours, and finally, it was over. Merry took up Estella in his arms, muttering words of comfort in her ear, as she sobbed uncontrollably. Diamond left the room with the child, before anyone had a chance to see. She re-entered a few moments later, the babe wrapped up snugly. She set the bundle gently into Estella's shaking arms, Estella herself forgetting her pain. Merry and she gazed down at the newborn child, smiles on their faces.
  Diamond smiled. "Congratulations, you two... it's a boy!"

Xara's
Random Fandom. 

Xara: You fiance is a great mariner of Numenor, however when he goes on his latest voyage he does not return of ten years. When he finally returns, what do you say to him?

Lady Galadriel: The first thing I would say to my husband after returning from a 10 year voyage would be "Glad to see you finally made it home. Did you bring me something wonderous?"

Xara: Lord Elrond is holding a great feast in Rivendell and has asked you to cater, what is on your menu?

Lady Galadriel: Catering in Rivendell... Start with some lembas, and mushrooms, ale, more lembas. Some broth and coneys, with some potatoes and turnips. Oh and some more lembas bread, roast mutton, tea, coffee, seed cake, raspberry jam, apple-tarts, mince-pies, cheese, cold chicken, pickles, red wine, salad, pork-pie and a BIG cake.

Xara: When travelling with the Fellowship of the Ring you check your pockets one morning and find that your lovely gold ring is missing. The only possible explanation is that one of them took it, but who?

Lady Galadriel: Boromir! He stole my ring.....I saw it in his shifty eyes. He was always looking to see if anyone was watching.  He broke into a cold sweat when I looked at him.

 

 

Ask Samwise. 

 

Dear Samwise, 

Why are teachers so evil? They assign millions of pounds of homework. I think they want to take over my school. Please help me!!!
 Jenarwen

  Dear Jenarwen, 

Teachers don't mean to be evil, no matter how evil they may seem. It's not natural, not for them, not for orcs, even. None of them. If you think about it, it makes sense: Teachers teach so that you can be a taught person. As to the homework? Maybe you should ask about lightening the load a bit... As for taking over the school? Torches and pitchforks. Enough said. 

Sam and cohort Merry.

  Dear Samwise,
  Mr. Samwise, I need some advice. Recently my friend, we'll call her Sandy, was almost married to someone we'll call Fred for sake of confidentiality. Well at first I didn’t want Sandy to marry Fred but then I was ok with it after much thought. And I even helped Sandy with the wedding. But then the wedding kinda fell through and Fred got cold feet (gonna be hot feet when I'm done with him!) and they won’t be married. Now my problem in which I need advice is I don’t know how to act towards Sandy. Sometimes I don’t see her at all for days 'cause she stays atop her tower. Should I comfort her? Leave her alone? And would it be right of me to kill Frodo? Fred, I mean, Fred. Kill Fred not Frodo. Sorry.
  Thank You, Mixed-up Morgoth.

  Dear Morgoth,
  You keep your filthy paws off Mister Frodo! That said...
  Sandy will probably be in a right fix, no matter what you say. It'll wear off in time, you'll see. When it does she'll want someone to talk to. Don't try to approach her yet, when she's still in a fey mood. Never good to do that. You risk losing a limb or being told off by someone you love. Killing Fred won't help, as because she's pining, she must still love him. It will only make her hate you after all. My advice: when you stop seeing smoke and flames coming out o' that tower, maybe risk a hullo. See where it goes from there.
  Sam.
  PS: If Fred is actually Frodo, this big elvish warrior will have something to say to your innards.

Classifieds.

 

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