Recollections of the Great War
By Bandobras "Bullroarer" Took.

  You youngsters have got some nerve, raising me from the dead like this! Interrupting me right in the middle of a good natter with Old Geronitius, I see young Frodo never taught you no manners, of all the things he did...says he did, as like as not he went gallivanting off with the trolls for a month, hurt is toe and came running home again with a lot of stories about fire and rings and other ridiculous nonsense. There was none of that in my day, no. Not in the days when The Shire was in real peril, goblin peril. A young man stayed to defend his borders he did.
  Those were the days when Ferumbras, my elder brother, caught sick with the myxomatosis, he was in bed all that month, and so, as our father was getting on a little, it was left to me to lead my fellow hobbits against the invading goblins. Golfimbul was their leader, a mighty big goblin with hair coming out of his elbows and a rotten fish in his beard, he led his goblins down from Mount Gram and infiltrated our northern border. Now, all would have been lost for the Shire and you youngsters woulda been born into slavery had it not been for this one piece of luck. Those goblins you see, had gotten the idea for their attack from a website called My Precious, particularly a computer game of some sort, and got it into their heads to eat our pipeweed. As you are no doubt aware however, all our best pipeweed is grown in the south farthing. Now the goblins, they didn't know this, and so they got hold of Ted Underhill's blackmarket weed he used to sell on the sly to youngsters, terrible stuff, grown secret like in a marsh up near Bindbole Wood, and it gave them the most terrible indigestion you ever did see. Those goblins were camped down in the woods three days straight, completely unable to do anything. Whilst they was all suffering, we had time to group together and form a plan of action, so that when the goblins finally recovered, we was all ready for them. Every strong hobbit able to wield a pitch-fork met up on the third day at Greenfields, and it was there that I met my horse Fredigar. Now, I have something of a reputation for being a tall hobbit, I'll not deny it. So tall in fact, that I was able to ride Fredegar. Now, the reason that that is is something less widely known. When I was a lad you see, I was fond of climbing trees, and also of pilfering mushrooms, as all young hobbit lads are, and I had found a way of combining these two interests, taking refuge up trees after I had taken the mushrooms. But one day, I barked up the wrong tree so to speak, and was chased by a big brute of a dog from one of the farms I filched. Well, I managed to escape up a tree all right, but so huge and powerful was the dog that he jumped up and grabbed my ankle in his jaws. I caught hold of the branch as he did so, narrowly escaping the fall, however I was now dangling from a tree with a large dog attached to my leg, and such was the weight of the dog, that he stretched me a good foot longer than what I had been before. So anyway, there we all were at Greenfields, and there I was, on my horse Fredegar, and we was waiting, when suddenly, the goblins arrived. Hooting and cackling they was, thought they were going to win the battle they did. So I thought, I'd show them. Now this is where me brother Ferumbras comes in. As I mentioned before, he was sick with the myxomatosis, which causes a fella to think himself a rabbit. Now, my parents had been able to restrain him thus far, but on that morning, so distracted were they by news of the battle, that they neglected to strap him onto his bed, and so seizing his opportunity, Ferumbras escaped out the window and hopped along to Greenfields, where ne'er a rabbit had been seen before until that day. Ferumbras, fortunately unnoticed on the field, promptly began to dig himself a hole in the field. Meanwhile, I grabbed a club off one of the farming lads beside me and rode up to meet the goblin leader Golfimbul in battle, and so keen was he to come and kill me, that he ran towards me, heedless of all else. But as he was doing this, for the first time I noticed me elder brother Ferumbras, and raised my club to wave at him, at the same moment that Golfimbul, as I have mentioned incredibly excited, tripped over his own iron boots and fell headfirst at my club. So vigorous was my waving to Ferumbras however that I knocked his head clean off, and it sailed through the air and landed straight into the hole my brother had been digging, knocking poor Ferumbras out cold. When he came around however, we found that he had been cured. Meanwhile, all the goblins, seeing their leader defeated, promptly fled in terror, and thus The Shire was restored to its former state of peace and serenity, with only the one small change; that from then on, every anniversary of the Battle of Greenfields, we played the game of golf in honour of our victory against the goblins.
  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have things to be getting on with back in the world of the dead. Good day to you.

Does This Make Me Look FAT?

By Sauron.

 

Before being turned into an eyeball at the end of the second age I had a “thing” for fashion. I had six stories of Barad-Dur dedicated to clothes, jewelry, shoes, and all sorts of accessories. It is my personal belief that if I did not care what armor made me look skinner then I would have not been turned into an eyeball. As the armies approached I took my time deciding between the silver armor and the gold armor. Then being changed into an eyeball really transformed me. Literally. I did not have to worry about what shoes matched my purse. What clothes were meant for dancing and what ones were meant for fighting elves. Morgoth always got mad at me for that. Saying one time it was the reason Agaband collapsed. Oops. I would just like to tell everyone that it is ok to like lots of clothes and stuff but remember, if it’s between having a tower collapse and turning into an eyeball or deciding what armor makes you look skinny… make sure you keep your priorities straight. 

Padfoot: Yeah like you do that. You still have six stories dedicated to that stuff.

Sauron: So what. You have your clothes in my rooms to you know.

Padfoot: Yeah that’s because I have nowhere else to put it.

Sauron: Well then build your own place to put it!

Padfoot: I would if we actually had MONEY!!!

Sauron: Yeah well that’s your fault, investing in that self-skinning hobbit machine for hobbit soup bankrupted us!

Padfoot: Shut it sulks

Sauron: You shut it! I have the mind to kick you out of this tower!

Padfoot: You wouldn’t dare!

An angry Morgoth walks in.

Morgoth: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?

Padfoot: She started it.

Sauron: Oh whatever!

Padfoot: That’s it im outta here. I’m packing my bags and MOVING!!! Storms out.

Sauron: Jeeze… I can’t even write an article in peace!

Morgoth: Article?

Sauron: Yeah for the I Nili newsletter thing

Morgoth: did you finish it?

Sauron: Yeah, let me just hit send and let’s go play some air hockey.

Morgoth: You’re on!

 

 

Memoirs of an Evil Creature
By Nazgul #3.

  Perhaps I ought to preface this by saying that I am perhaps the lesser known Nazgul, and I don't really know if I am evil. I am, in short, Nazgul #3, and I've got some things to say to dispell some rather rude rumours.

  For starters, I'd like to let it known that we didn't really start out evil - working for eternity for a giant eyeball that has a bad temper does tend to change a Nazgul. I mean, we really are a nice bunch. Nazgul #6 knows quite a few jokes about wargs and orcs and we have a great time telling stories around our little campfire of Mt. Doom. Nazgul #8 can bake some wonderful cookies and makes nice punch - but nobody ever gets to see this. Honestly, if they saw us in our off time, there would be a very different opinion of Nazguls.

  Take for example the Witch King's stabbing of Frodo - he didn't mean to do it! He just got very upset that the little fellow wouldn't share the pretty shiny ring and his temper got away from him. He has a lack of a temper, really, but we have been working on it - truly. We were going to apologize, until that Ranger hopped out of nowhere and set a few of us on fire...As uncomfortable as it was, I must congratulate him on a good tactic...Very effective.  As for the whole "chasing the elf that was rescuing the little stabbed fellow" thing - I have to say that we're sorry about it. We got really caught up in the "be evil" act and we made a mistake! I do have to thank the elf for the whole river flooding trick - my robes were still smouldering from being set on fire, so the whole being washed downstream experience helped quite a bit. Plus, that was the first washing my robes had had in ages.

  Speaking of robes, before anyone asks why we wear them, the whole reason is - they are comfortable. Nice and warm to wrap around yourself when being sent out in the winter time and they are comfortable in summer or when wandering about Mt. Doom when it gets too hot. Albeit, they aren't the best thing to wear while riding, but, well, we don't question that too much. But while we are on the subject of things to wear, I do have to lodge a minor complaint. The metal boots just are NOT conducive to good evil thoughts - particularly when your toes are being pinched! We may be the cursed undead, but we still do prefer to have proper footwear while working. The horses don't care much for them either - and we get thrown a lot when we forget about the metal boots.
  All this has lead up to our voices. Honestly, do you think we started out with high, shrieking voices? No, no, no. We've got quite the variety of problems that cause this unfortunate voice problem. Not, of course, that you ever get to find this out. The Witch King has a hoarse voice from all the yelling orders at the orcs - those creatures just don't listen! Nazgul#2 drank too hot of tea, but he'll be fine. Nazgul#4 has an unfortunate love of the hobbit leaf and smokes it too much. He'll always be a bit hoarse. Nazgul#5 got thrown from his horse last week and he got a bit messed up. Nazgul#6 has boots that pinch something horrible, so he yelps a lot.Nazgul#7 was the only one of us who was fine, but when we went for our unannounced swim in the river, he unfortunately swallowed some fish. He'll be in recovery for while. Nazgul#8 had a horrible cold, but is now better, andNazgul#9 loves to sing, but he practiced too much, too long and too hard for joining the Wood Elves in their singing. They still told him no...I think he's still bitter over the rejection.
  As for myself, I had the same cold as Nazgul#8, but I was getting better until I was set on fire - smoke inhalation from one's own robes is not helpful to recovery. All of the above lead to our sounding nasty and cold and evil - not at all what we're really like! Well, all right, so us being this side of the undead and all does tend to lead to us being a little crackly sounding. We can't help that.

  As for our evil beasts (no, not the horses - I mean the flying creatures), well, they aren't evil either, actually. They just have a surly disposition......I am fairly certain it comes from what they eat, but it isn't like I can argue with them. Namely because they can eat me. I don't know about you, but I'll just let them be cranky instead of being eaten. And will someone please tell that wizard to stop frying our eyes with that sparkly crystal? I do understand he was this side of upset with us attacking the retreating forces, but he really needs to stop doing that! I can't stop my flying beast on command and I am not thrilled at the prospect of being plastered against the stone walls of Minas Tirith. Oh, and as for that oh-so-entertaining eagle attack that he surprised us with - that was really not fun. Those talons hurt - even through the metal armor! That and all the spinning around trying to evade them made us all a little queasy. All right, more than a little queasy. We weren't terribly happy about it all.
  In closing, I would greatly appreciate it if everyone stopped referring to us as evil and ceased the whole "shun the evil creature" type mindcast. We aren't that evil, we aren't even that bad to just talk to - of course, you'll have to speak up, the hoods we wear muffle sounds. But, if you let us out of Mordor without continually trying to set us on fire or fill us full of arrows, we would like to prove how nice we really are. We might even consider adding a floral effect to the black robes.

Fate of Undómiel: For Death Is Only Another Journey

Written by Arwen Undómiel

 

  To have the wisdom of a thousand ages, to know the depth of so much loss. A flower in bloom for all eternity, seeing all things – great, terrible and beautiful. I am that flower, to be caught in the hourglass of time that never seems to end; a beauty to look upon yet no one is able to see the inner grief and emotion. My final choice shouldn’t have been a surprise.

  Born into a noble family, an elf lord and lady, I was brought up as any elven maid should be. Taught from early years the language of my ancestors, the history of Middle Earth and the fate of our kind. The Valar was never to be argued with, for they knew all. Ada always told me, every night when I went to bed, that naneth loved me the most and that she was always with me. Ada also said one day, when I would choose to, I would too take that path and see her again.  My mother, Celebriän, daughter of Lady Galadriel never saw me again after her terrible night. She soon passed away, the torture of the orcs left a scar on her that would not heal; she never saw Middle Earth’s beauty and wonder again. Ada loved her, his eyes still shone with her light, and now he is with her again. It was supposed to be – for ada and I to meet with naneth again. But that, I'm afraid, is only a wish, a wisp of hope lost in a strong current. The grief I saw in ada’s eyes on our fateful parting tore at my heart, but my decision could not be swayed. On the hills of Edoras, none witnessed our final parting.

  “Tinúviel, Tinúviel!” – words that are still clear in my mind. On our first meeting, as I was walking through among the white stems of birches, Estel had called me by my ancestor’s name. Little did I know then, but I would also follow that doomed path of Lúthien Tinúviel. Her fate and her life repeats itself in mine, for we both shared that same choice and that same sacrifice. We, elven maidens of twilight, with hair as dark as midnight and skin as white as snow, as beautiful as we appear, both knew the hourglass would never end. My grandmother, Galadriel had once told me about Lúthien, how it was though her likeness had come back to earth again through me. She was the only one who mentioned Lúthien’s fateful story – one that she probably knew all along that I would take eventually.

  And that I did, the fate of Tinúviel and my destiny. Upon Cerin Amroth, where Estel and I met again, I gave him my love…and my life. A mortal life is what I desire - death would only be another journey. We plighted our troth to each other upon a land of blooming elanor and niphredil. There I will choose to lie for eternity, until the world is changed, and all the days of my life are utterly forgotten by men that come after; and elanor and niphredil bloom no more east of the Sea…

 

For mine is the choice of Lúthien; both the sweet and the bitter.

 

 

 

  The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  What's that? You want MORE? Jeesh, what kind of slave-race do you think we are? All right, but I'm NOT giving you the columns! You can have... Hmm, let me see... Oh, all right. The results of the Ringleaders Contest!

 

  Winner, First Place: Ivy, 61 points. Wow, how'd you do that?

  Winner, Second Place: Is a tie between Prongsie and Cerridwen with 43 points each!

  Winners, Third Place: Padfoot, Eo'star, and Frodo's Friend. Can't wait to see what kind of issues you think up.

  Honourable Mentions: Fan, Nienna, Angel, Sméagol and Matthias. Almost made it! I'm sure you can next time.

 

  Reply to receive your rewards and that, and all of you are on equal footing now, so start sending for next time.

 

  Go away, [Jimminy Cricket]. We have banished you from this issue.

  Well, that was it, everyone. I hope you enjoyed it. See you around! -Tari.