The Hypothetical Armoury
By Perian.

 

  The day began in a fairly normal way. In other words, some kind of alarm (no, not my clock - it was an hour before that) set me to cursing and clamouring deeper under the covers before I gave up, groaned, and made my way in an Aragorn's-standards-of-hygiene-fashion onto the streets below. Little (some, but still little) did I expect that less than three hours later the crowds, gathered for an annual school meeting and political rally, would be parting before me. Out of fear? Oh, yes. There is little more frightening than a schoolgirl in armour wearing a maniacal grin while her page and squi- er, schoolmates bear swords (actually singular) and shields (ditto) on either side. Out of awe and respect for such noble figures? Hehehe. Not a chance.

  To translate, Peter Lyon, Weta armourer, made an appearance in the Halls of Lecture. He worked on not only The Lord of the Rings, but also The Chronicles of Narnia. In addition he is one of only two jousters in Wellington - which makes it all the more important that he does not kill his opponent, no doubt. With him were brought his own armour and a sword which had its .15 seconds of fame in Barliaman Butterbur's Inn in Bree. Also along for the ride was a wealth of practical knowledge on medieval weapons, warfare, societal codes, horses, and the like. To relate it all would make this article far longer than is practical, so I will focus on the highlights and those bits which deepened my appreciation of The Lord of the Rings, and hopefully will yours.

  Let's start with swords. There are two basic kinds: the pointy, thrusting sort, and the even, bladed hackers. Well, and the curvy meat-slicers, but those did not figure so prominently in the conversation. Swords are one of the first weapons made with no purpose other than killing humans. Think of it - knives can be culinary, axes chop wood, quarterstaves make good walking-sticks, clubs... well, they had to use something for a fly-swatter before the criss-crossed plastic things in bold colours came along. Parchment was too expensive. Anyhoo, swords were not common. Not everyone wore one (or two or three, depending on the movie and the character), only those who could afford them, or who had inherited one. Therefor it is not surprising that Aragorn carried around the shards of Narsil rather than a functional weapon. Where was he likely to come across cash in the wild north? Also, swords are not the absurdly thick and heavy chunks of metal I had imagined, and I'm sure some of you have as well. They can, and do, break in battle. The one I wielded was a mere 1.5kg (about 3.3lb), easy for a woman to bear.

  Frankly, the gloves seemed (and probably were), heavier.

  Which brings me to armour. Have you even been in it? Anyone who has will understand the basic concept: In exchange for mobility, comfort, sight, hearing, and to some degree even the ability to walk ... and I don't even want to think about the potential complications of bladder relief ... the person wearing it is granted some protection. Unless the armour is embellished with your own insignia, it can grant a fair degree of anonymity as well, which is a good thing if you have any incomprehensible urges to rush into battle without being recognised, ala Éowyn, or if you care to call up your local Dark Lord for a visual chat, such as Aragorn with the palantir in Théoden's armour. It is enough to give one a profound and heartfelt sympathy for the contents of tin cans.

  So how in bloody Mordor do you fight in that armour? Well, that's where horses come in. Not the coconut sort; real horses. They carry the weight. Horses are right difficult, though! You need a horse to get you to the battlefield. Then you need a horse on the battlefield. Two different horses, these. You don't want to fight with a tired horse. And you need a few other people to take care of the horses and all the armour. A pair of young boys, generally. Now, maybe it's just me, but can you imagine your life depending on two lads of the prankster age? Right. Anyhoo, our hypothetical warriors have lads, swords, and horses all to call their own. They're rather well off for all of this. It certainly gives on a new idea of those Rohirrim. If indeed they're rolling on the floor with the dogs as Saruman said, it's because they have no need to spend that time looking for a job. The gilded hall makes far more sense now. So the knight is a rich bugger, and therefor an important bugger (and I mean that as 'chap' not as 'Secret Diaries character'). Let's say, for the sake of conversation, a king. Now this king has a horse with common sense. One who sees a few thousand spears and swords being pointed in its general direction and hears the cries of battle and thinks 'This looks a bit risky.' Chances are that horse will high-tail it out of there. This is just my theory, as I have no historical reference, but don't you think that seeing their king riding off away from battle would put some interesting thoughts into the minds of the foot-soldiers, with their scythes and spits and spades held tight to their unarmored chests?

  I think it's well nigh time for a retreat.

Ask Samwise.

  Sam,

  You seem to be very stressed lately...is something wrong with one of our favourite hobbits?

  ~Fan.

  Dear Fan,

  ...

  [Takes a few hours to get Sam out of his state of dumbstruck blushing. -Ed.]

  Whassa? Oi! I'm right sorry. Wrong? Now, I'm not one to gloat, but how could anything be wrong after a compliment like that?
  Sam.

  Dear editor,

  I have to say that I am sorry that I have not been able to do my usually letter to you or anything like that.  But I am so happy to see the newspaper thriving again. I have wanted to contribute but have not found out where to find the next theme. But, I would like to say that Prongs' Escapades of the Crazy Harry Potter Fans was very interesting to read. Prongs did a very good job of describing what that was like that I could actually imagine it, as if I was there myself.  And the fanfiction is as good as ever too.

  ~Fan

 

  Dear Fan,
  I should have mentioned this earlier, but themes have not been organised of late. That means, more or less, that anything goes - whatever idea you have had in mind which you have not had a chance to submit before now. I will do my best to organise a few themes in the near future, if only for the purpose of giving all our wonderful writers, yourself included, a bit of extra inspiration.

  Cheers, and thank you for your contributions!

  Perian.

[Editor makes a mental note to give Fan a larger role in the upcoming episodes of Recollections, if she ever gets around to writing them.]