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i Nili o i Ardanole Newsletter:
Your source for Lord of the Rings
News, Updates, Poetry, Art, Parody and Satire.
Issue 32, Volume 2, July 9th, 2004.
Editors: Perian, Xara.
Primary Reporter: Ivy.
Chief Corespondent: Prongs.
Local Commentator: Rob Stames.
Contributor(s): Eowyn Evenstar, Hula'n.
In this issue: Fun and Games.
Emulators: Fan Personality Profiles by Perian.
Practical Jokes - No Go in Middle Earth by Xara.
Oh, To Chill Out and Have Fun by Prongsie.
Hobbits Know How to Party by Xara.
In every issue:
Fanfiction: This Fortnight: Chapter Thirteen by Ivy.
Ivy's Newsletter Trivia.
Xara's Random Fandom.
Comings and Goings at i Nili o i Ardanole by Rob Stames.
Tolkienish, provided by Perian.
Find past archives at http://inili.iwarp.com/
Emulators: Fan Personality Profiles
Fans, as we have well seen, fall into a few broad
categories. There are the Purists and the Parodyists, and a little line
of stragglers in between. There are fans intrinsically devoted to
one character or another. There are some who have scrambled to find
every work ever written by Tolkien, and those who haven't read a single
book of his. What kind of fan are you?
Grab a pen/pencil/tube of lipstick before reading further,
and write down your answers as you go. Don't skip ahead, and answer as
honestly as you can. Yes, that means, quite simply, don't answer with
what you think you should do, but with what you would (or would love
1. You most enjoy the LotR movies when you watch
a. Alone, as it better allows you to imagine you are
b. With one or two kindred
spirits who share your reasons for going (and favourite actors).
c. With that special someone by your side,
cheering and clapping when you do.
d. Amid a group of friends who you will explain
what was happening through the movie to over pizza later.
2. Logging onto Ebay, you search for:
a. Anduril... isn't that the name of Aragorn's
sword? Right, that.
b. The Evenstar pendant or Galadriel's Ring. So
c. Dom Monaghan and Billy Boyd, but there are
only seven listings, and you're fairly sure two are imposters.
d. Pssht, who needs Ebay? You're logging on to
3. On holiday in New Zealand you go to:
a. Hobbiton! Do you know they still have a
few facades standing? And that we ... sort of moved them? Hehe.
b. Search for locations for Laketown in
case they ever film The Hobbit.
c. Rivendell (Kaitoke), Paradise, and
the Anduin locations. A pity they took the sets down.
d. The Southern Alps for a bit of skiing,
then bungee jumping in Aukland!
4. If someone were to flick on the power to your stereo,
what would they be most likely to hear?
a. Something soft, soothing, romantic.
b. Whatever the radio is tuned to, probably
something modern with a good beat.
c. An instrumental soundtrack by Howard Shore
or James Horner.
d. A bright, lively tune, something you can
5. Your best friend's fiancee stepped out, and you're the
first person confided in. What do you do?
a. Plot revenge immediately. A bit of poison oak
on hir razor, perhaps? Or perhaps you could draw mustaches on hir
prized poster collection?
b. Comfort your friend, telling hir that s/he
wasn't worth the effort anyway, then start sorting through your
trustworthy aquaintances so as to matchmake and take your friends
mind away from hir troubles.
c. Celebrate! You have your friend back from
the shackles of attachment; treat hir to the best single life has to
d. Silently begin studying so that someday you
can see that such vile, cruel, and dangerous behaviour is made illegal.
6. While walking you pass a man with a pipe and a notebook
sitting unter a tree. He bears a striking resemblance to J.R.R.
a. Tell the man so, striking up a pleasant
conversation about literature and poetry.
b. Gasp, do a double take, and immediately
begin asking him questions about his work.
c. Shrug and continue on your way before you're
as late as the Professor.
d. Hurry home to don a cloak and curly wig,
then return to the spot and sit down on the opposite side of the
tree, just to see how people will react.
7. Where were you headed on that walk?
a. To the library; they said The Monsters and
the Critics (a volume of Tolkien's essays) should be in by Monday.
b. To the art gallery; they have a LotR
Exhibition going on right now!
c. To your dancing lessons... at the pub.
d. To your fencing lessons. You'll be able to
take on Viggo soon.
8. Your latest creative display of fandom was:
a. A parody or comic.
b. A serious bit of fantasy or fanfiction.
c. A poem or portrait of a character.
d. Let the others do those things, you'll take
on the duty of enjoying them!
9. Your non-fan friends most often complains that you:
a. Complain? And risk your wrath? They
b. Don't live in the real world.
c. Don't take things seriously.
d. Don't try to understand their fetishes,
though they do yours.
10. An argument has broken out. You are:
a. Mediating it.
b. Trying to divert the aggressors' attention.
c. Observing quietly from the sidelines. Best
not to jump in and make it worse.
d. One of the ones in the argument, trying to
get your point across to that thick-headed (expletive).
11. Your favourite Lord of the Rings poem contains the line:
a. There will come a time when I/ will take the
hidden paths that run/ West of Moon and East of Sun.
b. But better is beer if drink we lack,/
and water hot poured down the back!
c. From the ashes a fire shall be woken/ a
light from the shadows shall spring.
d. And in the glad a light was seen/ of stars
in shadow shimmering.
12. Your themesong is more than likely to be (and if you
don't know them well, listen before choosing):
a. The Evenstar.
b. Minas Tirith.
c. The Breaking of the Fellowship.
d. Concerning Hobbits.
13. Your extracurricular activities are most likely to
b. Involvement in the school paper.
d. Is social life extracurricular?
14. Your favourite character's most noteworthy quality is:
15. You have just written something for the Newsletter, but
are afraid to submit it because you:
a. Think someone might spot an error; you need
more time for double-checking your facts.
b. Don't know whether it is interesting and
c. Want it to be more creative and poetic. It
sounds better in your head.
d. Are afraid you won't get any response at
all, which, in your mind, is worse than negative feedback.
16. Your last LotR impersonation was when you:
a. Stood outside the faculty door as their
meeting ended and proclaimed "You shall not pass!"
b. Spent an entire day speaking to people in
quotes, as if they were characters (like when you told the nervous
woman at the busstop, "Frodo? Why do you recoil? I am no thief.")
d. Imitated a rustic English accent and loudly
proclaimed "For the Shire!" whenever you completed something.
c. Snuck out in the middle of the night to
chalk Gollum's riddles down the sidewalk, and hid in the shadows as
people tried to guess them the next day.
17. Your Middle-earth profession would be:
a. A Numenorian architect.
b. A minstrel.
c. A humble historian.
d. A great leader of men.
Scoring: Write down the number of your answer. Don't bother
adding them up, you don't need to. When you're through, go to "fan
type" number you have the most of (One, Two, Three or Four).
1. a = 4, b = 2, c = 1, d =
3. 2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4.
3. a = 3, b = 4, c = 2, d =
1. 4. a = 2, b = 1, c = 4, d = 3.
5. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d =
4. 6. a = 2, b = 4, c = 1, d =
3. 7. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d =
1. 8. a = 3, b = 4, c = 2, d = 1.
9. a = 1, b = 4, c = 3, d =
2. 10. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = 1. 11.
a = 4, b = 3, c = 1, d = 2. 12. a = 2, b = 1,
c = 4, d = 3.
13. a = 3, b = 4, c = 1, d = 2. 14.
a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 3. 15. a = 4, b = 1,
c = 2, d = 3. 16. a = 1, b = 4, c = 3, d = 2.
17. a = 2, b = 3, c = 4, d = 1.
Fan Type One: The Warrior.
Species: Humans, dwarves.
Swords and bows may not be in use any longer, but you
belong to a time when they were (and chances are you have one or the
other hidden in the closet.) You have a very strong sense of
honour and fair play, but a fierce competitiveness. You're passionate
about what you love, and will do anything to defend it. You're rather
passionate about who you love as well. Often as not you are
either in or seeking a life-long relationship. Once you have a goal set
in mind, you will achieve it, no matter what anyone says or does to
prevent you from doing so. You don't give up, be it in a sport or a
battle of wits.
That can also be one of the peeves people have against you.
In hacking your way through, you may not take the time to sort out
friend from foe. Granted, you know who they are and show them
unswerving loyalty... most of the time. But in the heat of battle... Do
you remember in the commentary when Theoden's ear was spliced by
Gamling? Same idea.
Speaking of which, you were probably introduced to The Lord
of the Rings when you went to see it in the theatres... or at least
that was the first time you thought of it since it was required reading
at ten years old. Those long descriptions no doubt left you a bit
dazed, at least until you had a visual reference to work from.
It is a visual reference you still work from. Rather than
prints from the verious Tolkien artists, your walls are decorated by
movie-based posters and calenders. They're the most realistic,
solid images, and so what you have the easiest time believing.
Your archetypes are icons of personal strength. They knew
what was best for their people, and worked toward it. Even if they
strayed, they would do something so profound as to completely wash away
their error. Characters who share traits with you are Aragorn, Eowyn,
Eomer, Theoden, Boromir, Beren and Gil-Galad. Those who most
irk you are people who proclaim one set of goals while working toward
another, people who stand in the background in safety while sending out
those loyal to them to do their work and die for them, like
You have the energy and drive to do bring about your
goals. Your strength is in the physical, the world around you. The
more you use it, the more it grows.
Fan Type Two: The Aesthetic.
Species: Elves, Half-elven.
Isn't the world lovely? At least while Tolkien's work and
people like you are in it. Beauty in all its forms is visible to you,
and you do your best to perpetuate it. You're devoted, putting people
or characters onto a pedestal, and not allowing anyone to point out the
flaws. You can see them, thank you very much, and it doesn't matter.
The overall effect of whatever it is you worship is perfect. You have a
tight-knit circle of friends, a plethora of talents, and sense of
serenity that none of the other fan personality types can boast.
You know your opinions, know them to be truth, and ...
alas... expect everyone else to as well. That's not to say that your
viewpoint is invalid, but don't quench the validity of everyone else's.
Remember, beauty (and any other idea-based noun, for that matter) is in
the eye of the beholder.
If you didn't read the book first, chances are it wasn't
the dialogue which set you to reading after watching the movie. The
sets, costumes, and characters, based on Tolkien's work, drew you like
a moth to a flame. However, it's just as likely that you fell in
love with the book. The Silmarillion, Beren and Luthien
chapter, that is.
You're an artist by nature, but when you aren't creating your
own images, you're oogling over Alan Lee's. The detail, the perfect
lines, the ethereal colours, the awe-inspiring sketches which
were on the credits and used in the books... Heaven.
The archetypes which you follow are as otherworldly as you
are. Arwen, Luthien, Legolas, Imrahil, Tharanduil, Manwe and Varda...
Chances are that you have showered your devotion on one of them at
one point or another, and probably still do. That character is your
muse, your source of inspiration. They're beautiful, graceful, each a
song in physical form. It is the discordant forms... orcs, trolls,
Uruks, and the other slimy, dripping, pallid creatures of the world,
Grima Wormtongue not the least of them, which so repulse you.
Everything visual is in your domain, and yours to command.
It is not what the world holds which changes from person to person, but
what the individual sees within it. For you the world holds
enormous potential, and it's yours for the crafting!
Fan Type Three: The Entertainer.
Species: Hobbits, Sylvan Elves.
Look out, world! You're about to be- Och, too late! Hehehe.
It's an invasion of entertainment. Yes, you keep our lives from
becoming dull. You're charismatic, charming, magnetic, and have a
wonderful wit. When you disappear, chances are you're browsing the
Secret Diaries, at the comedy bar for a pint and a dance on the tables,
or at the theatre (no, not in the audience. On the stage.) You bring
everyone around you out of the dulldrum of the day to day, making life
worthwhile. You may not see it, but you have a spark of ingenuity that
everyone around you envies.
What happens when your antics don't produce the desired
results? Your style is built around instant gratification, and if you
don't get it, sometimes you'll seek attention in whatever form you can
get it. You're putting out so much effort for others that when they
don't pay attention, you sink into a cesspool of self-doubt.
The book or the movie, which came first? With you it's
rather like the chicken and the egg question; either answer could be
valid. You're always seeking new views, and there's little more
unique than furry-footed midgets and evil rings! Have to love them. And
we can't say you don't pay homage, in your own way. Fanfictions, comic
drawings and parodies are your forte!
In art you go back and forth between Ted Nasmith and the
brothers Hildebrandt. You love the feeling Nasmith gives you
of being able to walk right into the painting, but with the brothers
and their Olympic Legolas you can laugh for hours!
It doesn't take much effort to guess your character
archetypes. Merry and Pippin! How could they not be? Oh, and there
are a few others. Smeagol, Tom Bombadil and Goldberry, the butler
in the Elvenking's halls. Even Sam at times, though he
doesn't emulate this persona intentionally as most do. Fun
times we've had with every single one of them. All are friendly,
and people-oriented. That's why you have such wrath for Denethor and
the Gollum side of Smeagol; Nothing could possibly be worse than
treachery and betrayal.
You are driven by your senses (no, not the logical kind!)
and your desire to create reaction in those around you. So long as you
see to it that it is a positive reaction, you'll be ever in the
Fan Type Four: The Scholar.
Species: Istari, Ents, and individuals within all
You are an idealist, a dreamer. You love to sit in a
cozy corner with a good book and a blanket, and leave the world far
behind. Fantasy appeals to you for what it is... another place, another
time, something better than what you know. Don't think you can
stay there forever, though. You may not be the most social of the
fan types (in fact, if anything, you are the least, if you don't
count your literary chums,) but when someone needs advice, guess who
they turn to? You don't seek adventure, as the warrior type does,
but it befalls you naturally. When it does, you rise to the occasion.
But you know, better than anyone, that you are as flawed
everyone else. Caught up in your visions, you tend to ignore what is
right in front of you. "Out of my mind - please leave a message after
the beep", "Have you ever stopped to think, and forgotten to start
again?" These are written with your type in mind.
You read the book before ever seeing the movie, and, though
you may not voice them, you have quite strong opinions on the latter.
You have always enjoyed Bombadil and Glorfindel. What ever
happened to them? If you do write anything it is usually poetry,
soul-searching snippets, or fantasy of your own.
In art, you tend to pore over the work of John Howe. His
soft, vibrant colours appeal to you, and those billowing mists, sprays,
and canopies excite the imagination as to what lies behind them.
Your archetypal characters are probably those who were
wise, yet cautious. Unwilling heros like yourself. They may even
have been a bit eccentric or quietly rebellious. These
include Frodo, Faramir, Gandalf, and Galadriel. The evil you would
fight is not embodied, not something you can take a sword to. You live
amid ideals, and as such your enemies are ideas which you perceive to
be wrong. Thus the enemies you most want to see fall are those made of
concepts, such as Sauron and Melkor.
Your world is one of concepts, thoughts, and perceptions,
and your meathod of conveying them is words. Don't forget
that there is much to see outside of Middle-earth as well!
Practical Jokes - No Go in Middle Earth
If there's anything Lord of the Rings is without it's
practical jokes. Heroic feats of daring and endurance it has in plenty,
death and glory, epic quests, the occasional spark of wit are all
there. It has kings and warriors, hobbits, elves, trolls, wizards,
orcs, wraiths and more! You can take your pick of fine language and
marvellous scenery (or at least descriptions of scenery)! But if I
recall correctly, not a single practical joke. "Why?" I hear you ask,
and I asked myself the same question, but I think I know the answer.
Here are a few examples of why practical jokes are simply not on in
Frodo and Sam (who, contrary to suggestions made by a
mischievous rascal bent on destroying their friendship forever going by
the name of Peter Jackson, did come to Shelob's Lair) stand in a dark
tunnel scared stiff as a lurking dark shape in the shadows moves
menacingly towards them. "I guess this is the end Sam," Says Frodo, for
want of anything better to say. "Wait, Mr. Frodo! The lady's
star-glass! 'A light to you in dark places when all other lights go
out,' she said it was to be! Now indeed light alone can help us!" "Yes,
of course! Thank you Sam!" Cries Frodo, pulling a glass phial out of
his pocket, "I had forgotten it!" Holding the glass aloft Frodo cries
to the oncoming shadow, "Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!"
Nothing happens. Frodo shakes the glass and tries again, still nothing.
"Hang on, this isn't a phial containing the light of a Silmaril caught
from a ship sailing in the heavens! It's just a jar filled with
water!!!" "So we're screwed, Mr. Frodo?" "Looks like it Sam." "Oh
[insert curse here]!"
Across a grassy plain run an elf, a man and a dwarf in pursuit
of a hundred Uruk-hai who have captured their companions Merry and
Pippin. Suddenly a large band of Riders approaches, as they pass the
man, whose name is Aragorn, calls to them, "Riders of Rohan! What news
from the mark?" The Riders turn swiftly and enclose the three runners,
spears drawn. "What business does an elf, a man and a dwarf have in the
Riddermark? Speak quickly!" "We track a band of Uruk-hai westward
across the plain, they have taken two of our friends captive." Replies
Aragorn after some haughty words have been exchanged. "The uruks are
destroyed, we slaughtered them during the night." "But there were two
hobbits!" Cries Gimli, "Did you see two hobbits with them?!!" Eomer
looks troubled, "We left none alive." "Dead!?!" "I am sorry..." After
some silence Eomer lends them two horses and begins to ride away, then
suddenly, all the riders begin to laugh and turn around. "Only joking!
They're over here!" Cries Eomer, producing the two hobbits from the
horse behind him. "Why you..." Screams Legolas stringing his bow...
In the golden hall of Meduseld sits Theoden, King of Rohan
discussing matters unknown with his advisors when in runs Aragorn son
of Arathorn in a very un-heir-of-Numenor fashion. "The beacons are lit!
Gondor calls for aid!" "And Rohan will answer!" Cries Theoden.
Mustering a company of six-thousand riders Theoden rides with them to
Gondor. "Riders of Rohan! Oaths you have taken! Now fulfil them! Ride
now! Ride for ruin, and the world's ending!" And with that six thousand
screaming riders brandishing swords and spears charge onto the Pelennor
Fields, and find it completely and utterly devoid of any besieging
army. Confused, Theoden dismounts and leaves his army outside the city,
marching inside to visit the hall of Denethor where he is greeted by
roars of laughter. Tears of mirth streaming down his face, Denethor,
clutching his sides cries, "I can't believe you fell for that
old beacon trick!!!"
You see? Middle Earth, sad as I am to say it, was simply not the
place for practical jokes. It would have been complete mayhem!! And it
was practically mayhem already! There was simply no room for the
funniest jokes of all. A shame really but there it is, practical jokes
and Middle Earth don't mix.
Oh, To Chill Out and Have Fun
So, now that the ring has been destroyed, what
are the brave members of the Fellowship going to do with themselves?
They have certainly earned the right to some down time. Of course, Sam
has his mayoral duties to attend to and Aragorn has a kingdom to rule
with Arwen, but relaxing and having fun is important also. So, what
would the members of the Fellowship do for fun?
Starting with Hobbiton and working our way across Middle Earth,
what would our beloved Hobbits be doing to chill? Sam is an easy one --
he would be pottering about in his garden, planting potato bulbs,
pruning his rose bushes and weeding his already immaculate lawn. Frodo
would enjoy spending time with the neighbourhood youngsters. As Bilbo
did before him, Frodo would tell the young'uns story after story about
his adventures -- how he defeated the evil Sauron and got stabbed by
the big, bad Witch King. As for Merry and Pippin, well ... they would
never dream of having fun without each other. I would imagine that they
would spend their time making up new drinking songs which they would
entertain the patrons of the Green Dragon with. Knowing their love for
mushrooms and mischief, I would also imagine them stealing Farmer
Maggots crops ... still. Not because they want to aggravate the poor
Hobbit, but because they have a tradition to uphold, a reputation to
live up to and dozens of young Hobbits to influence.
Moving eastwards towards the Mirkwood Forest, Legolas would be
attending to his hair and would probably not be doing much else. O.K.,
perhaps he would also practice his archery, but I'm pretty sure that if
he got dirt on any part of his anatomy, he would immediately take a
lavender scented bubble bath with his rubber dwarf, Gimli.
Speaking of the burly Gimli, hmmm ... what would he be doing for
fun? He would be working himself hard in the mines, digging for gold,
silver and whatever else he can find. He would then relax by taking a
lavender scented bubble bath with his rubber elf, Legolas.
As for Aragorn and Gandalf ... well, I think that any free time
that Aragorn would have would be spent with his beloved Arwen doing ...
er, doing things that married couples do. Any elaboration on my behalf
will cause our lovely editors to chop off my head. Gandalf ... well,
everyone knows that Gandalf does not know how to have much fun.
*ducks the rocks thrown at her head* O.K., O.K. fine ... for fun,
Gandalf would create elaborate fireworks in anticipation of the first
anniversary of the destruction of the Ring. Once that is over, he would
begin designing elaborate fireworks to commemorate the second anniversary
of the destruction of the Ring ... I told you, he has no life!
Last, but certainly not least, our dear, departed Boromir. He
would be teaching his fellow angels how to sword fight so that, when
the devils arrive to toilet paper the gates of Heaven, the angels will
be prepared to drive them off.
Hobbits Know How to Party
Of all the parties I have attended since I entered my teenage
years, I have enjoyed very few. Most of them (with the exception of the
few I very thoroughly enjoyed) involved girls and guys hanging around
each other rather nervously by the poolside, listening to music but
being too cool to dance and make a fool of yourself, wandering out onto
the streets at midnight pretending to be tough, screaming at shadows
and completely hallucinating an attack by an armed man in a fast
revving car (I was there, and I saw no such man and no such car, but by
the way the rest of them were carrying on you'd think we'd been
kidnaped and left for dead in a ditch). In other words, they weren't
much fun. These same people who throw the terribly unfun parties also
snear at the hobbits on screen when they laugh and dance and ooh and ah
at fire works, but those hobbit parties look like a hell of a better
time than the ones (again, there have been exceptions, and these did
not involve any of the above described unfun activities) I've been to.
The simple truth of the matter is that hobbits know how to
party. They know exactly how to have a good time. They don't have to
try to act cool and make up stupid stories and go out in the middle of
a dark street to show off. They know all you need to do is get a good
dance band together in a field with some beer, food and tables and
formation dancing (which in my opinion is much more fun than modern
dancing because you don't have to be embarrassed as someone has already
made up the dance moves for you), more food and beer, a random wizard
with fireworks, even more food and beer, a good speech at the end of it
all and some wheelbarrows to take you home.
When hobbits party they don't worry about acting cool. They
don't care about how many calories is in the party role before they eat
it. They can dance without being embarrassed. If they don't want to
dance they can have equally as much fun watching (or stealing)
fireworks. And of course at the end of it all they don't jump into
their cars and go zooming off the motor way at 120km/hour into a ditch.
That's always a plus. We should take a tip from the hobbits (and the
few excellent parties I have been to) and do it their way. It would be
much more fun, don't you agree?
A Stepmother Review
One of the biggest rules, some writers will tell
you, is write only about what you know, at least to begin with. And
this rule, Simon Tolkien, grandson of JRR Tolkien, chose to follow in
his recently released his first novel, a crime fiction named The
Stepmother, or Final Witness in the US. Undoubtedly Tolkien's
experience as a barrister contributed to the writing of this courtroom
drama, and his confidence shows.
Rather than opting for your average Who Done It scenario,
Tolkien tells you exactly who done it, the only problem is, how can
anyone prove it? Sixteen-year-old Thomas's mother, Anne Robinson has
been murdered in her ancestral home, the House of Four Winds, and
before Thomas's very eyes. All the evidence points to his stepmother,
Greta Robinson, who was his fathers personal assistant until shortly
after the murder, when she became his wife. Suspicious circumstances,
but circumstantial evidence will not be enough to prove Greta's guilt,
and Thomas, burning for revenge, must go in search for more.
The Stepmother is certainly carefully planned, but lacks a
strong enough plot to really grip it's audience. The characters are
strong, but rarely likeable, however this is not enough to deter the
avid reader, as the plot unfolds like a case presented in court, which
to a large extent, it is. Tolkien shows an ease with descriptive detail
which could be compared to his grandfather's, though there were parts
in which 'squelchiness' was barely contained and the detail was not
always appreciated by this reader. Coupled with powerful, unflinching
dialogue I would say this book is good. Not great, but good.
This Fortnight: Chapter Thirteen
This chapter is rated PG due to war and bloodshed.
"It's done, it's done!" Merry panted, stumbling into the
audience chamber behind Pippin. Aragorn looked at them gratefully, then
did a surprising thing. He tossed them both swords of their size.
"Prepare for battle," he said simply.
"What!? You're joking!" exclaimed Pippin breathlessly.
"The pirates' armies can be seen from here, young hobbits. They
will arrive on our doorstep within the hour. Be prepared," and with
that, Aragorn stepped away to ready himself.
In the hobbits' rooms, they were hurriedly trying to fasten
armour and weapons about themselves, glancing out the window from time
to time, spotting the large army approaching them.
"Well, now we know where they were when we were aboard that
ship..." Pippin said, pulling on the end of his belt.
"Yes, so it was rather useless," replied Merry, slipping his
sword into its sheath smoothly.
"It's happening very fast," Pippin pointed. "Why, only three
days ago you were teaching me how to swim," Before Merry could reply,
there was a knock on their door.
"You are called to the battleground!" the stranger said, not
bothering to even open the door. The two glanced at one another, then
"Best of luck," they said in unison, and they scuttled out the
The war had already ensued when the hobbits arrived upon the
scene. Bodies of both parties lay wounded and dead, scattered
throughout the field. The cousins looked at each other one more time,
unsheathed their swords, and began to fight. The pirates were
surprisingly large for Men, and their blades were broad and heavy, thus
the only good they were for was hacking and swinging. Merry managed to
knock many off of their feet, making them easier to defeat, and Pippin
quickly took on the same strategy. Time passed in a flurry, as if it
had perhaps stopped altogether so that Minas Tirith may protect their
own country with a valiant effort. Merry, panting and, sweating, and
bleeding from an old wound on his head, turned to see Pippin, who was
barely within earshot. His eyes widened, and he screamed.
"Pippin!" he cried. A man had come up behind the unsuspecting
hobbit, the sword in his hand ready to inflict a fatal wound. Merry
watched in complete helplessness as Pippin turned, and the enemy's
blade met his flesh. In what seemed like slow motion, the sword was
removed, and the man turned to kill another helpless victim as Pippin
fell to his knees, his hands instinctively trying to stop the blood
that was pouring from his chest. Merry let out a terrified yell and ran
to him, slashing his sword about to move everything out of the way. He
knelt beside Pippin, who was looking to the star-filled sky from where
he lay, numb to the pain that was coursing through his body. When he
saw Merry, he grinned.
"Just like... old times..." He said, his breathing becoming more
and more difficult.
"And it's time to repay the favour," replied Merry, holding back
tears, "I won't let you die, Pippin,"
"Dying is just another part of life, my friend. Just... tell
Diamond I love her... And tell... tell Faramir to be good ... and tell
him I love him... And he needs- he needs to take care of hi-his
mother..." Pippin said, grimacing with the now felt pain. Merry's tears
began to fall freely.
"I won't let you die, Pippin! I won't let you die!" He
"Stay strong, M-merry... Stay- stay strong..." And with that,
Pippin released his final breath, and was no more. Merry let out a
shriek and fell limp over his body, the sobs and tears escaping him
unchecked. Peregrin Took, Thain of the Shire, was gone.
Our trivia column writer is, tragically, not
among us. Tragic for us, that is. She's probably having the time of her
life. Wishing her the best of travels. More details in the Comings and
Xara: A friend asks you to look after a pet for
them as they're going away for the weekend. You agree, only to
find after they have left that it's a giant hobbit-heating squid!!!
What do you do?
Hula'n:Take care of it. I couldn't abandon their
pet. But next time, I'll make sure and know what the pet is before I
say yes to taking care of it.
Xara: A plague has swept the land, sent forth
from the Dark Lord's hand. It is a terrible curse, everyone
can only speak in verse. Enough of that. You're the only one who didn't
get the plague, so it is down to you to save everyone else, how?
Hula'n: Well, I'll whip up some really good food
and feed the Dark Lord while pretending to have the curse of verse
(hehe, that was a rhyme in itself). Then, I'll get the Dark Lord drunk
and reverse the curse.
Xara: Legolas stole your running shoes so he can
look cool in front of his friends on their horseless
trans-Rohan expedition. What do you do?
Hula'n: Legolas knows I exist!?! Oh wow. I'll
just get a new pair of shoes and say for the shoes he owes me a date.
I realise you aer the sort of erson who helps people out with
their problems but this forthnight, I am glad to say that I have none.
It has been a worry free, albeit stressful, two weeks and all I can say
is that some of your good sense must have rubbed off on me for me not
to have any goofs. THanks samwise.
(To his cellar stock,)
We did a right good job of that one, now didn't we?
a 1967 Ford Thunderbird as a birthday present this week ... it's
one of those models that I have to put together and paint. Which I will
do very soon. My question to you is, do you think that this is too
juvenile to be put on my desk at work? Your thoughts.
Now, there's nothing wrong with showing what you like. Now it
may be that in this age, it's not right proper for me to be the one as
does the cooking and mending, but it's right hard not to, so I do it.
And if you'll look at the way people see me, begging your pardon, but
your lass included, it doesn't turn out so bad after all. I say if you
want it there, why, that's where it should be, no matter what people
The Comings and Goings at i Nili o i Ardanole
By Robert C. Stames
As more and more members depart from the site, the message
posting exponentially decreases. This proves that there is a direct
correlation between the number of messages being posted and the number
of members. Now, if only I can figure out which variable goes on the
"x" axis and which goes on the "y" axis ... heh heh heh, OK I think
I've scared you guys enough ... onto what went on at the site over the
last two weeks.
The first thing I have to say is that .... Hah! Greece won the
Euro 2004 football tournament! Being Greek, I, naturally, am very very
proud of our national team. Congratulations to them and to those who
were cheering them on.
We have had just one new member to the site this week:
Jazz_the_hobbit. Welcome Jazz. We hope that you have a wonderful time
at the site. Feel free to stay for a long time and post several
messages. Anything is welcome.
Members that have departed the site include Ivy and Prongs. Ivy
is off on an European holiday. Have a great time Ivy! We will all miss
you! Prongs is ... well, studying. She has an exam to sit in August and
is studying hard for it. Good luck, Prongs
In the "Still Missing But Returning Soon" category is Padfoot, who is
halfway through her vacation. We miss you Padfoot. Come back soon, eh?
And to everyone's joy, Prancing_Unicorn has returned to the
site. I know not who this member may be ... all I know is that she and
Prongs are both gaga over some Irish boyband ... boybands ... !
In the "Recovering From Injury" category is Viggo's Girl. I am
delighted to report that her knee is healing nicely but, unfortunately,
she is having a little bit of trouble getting around. It's frustrating
but you'll be tap-dancing in no time. Keep your chin up. Good luck!
Xara has revised her fan-fiction the "Happy Hobbit Hotel" and
has posted a new copy on the message boards. It is really, really good
and I urge everyone to read it. You'll be rolling over the floor,
laughing your head off!! If you would like her to send you a copy,
please email her: firstname.lastname@example.org
Speaking of Xara ... unfortunately she had her wisdom teeth out
about a week ago. I am happy to tell you that 3 out of the 4 teeth
don't hurt a bit. Sadly one does hurt but that's OK ... one is better
than 4 right? And she is desperate for some solid food instead of mush
but ... OK, I can't come up with anything optimistic about eating mush.
Mush sucks. Sorry Xara. But we all wish you a happy recovery.
As I said before, it has been rather a slow few weeks at the
site what with members going on vacation and the rest. Hopefully,
activity will pick up soon. Until then, take care folks. Have a great 2
AUTHOR'S NOTE: If any members are upset about being included in
this article or are hurt that they were missed out, I am to blame.
Please address nasty notes to Robert Stames at the following email
Feedback at the same email address would also be appreciated. This was
my idea entirely and is not the fault of Perian, Xara, Prongs or Ivy.
I have one or two bitty additions to make, if you will
pardon my boldness, Rob. Firstly, and thank you, Prongsie, for
suggesting this emendation, our humble Comings and Goings column writer
neglected to mention that it was his birthday this week. Many happy
Also, in addition to a thorough reworking of her Happy Hobbit
Hotel tale, Xara has been writing the third, and seemingly final
installment of the Happy Hobbit series: Amidst Dragon Fire. This can be
read at her Fanfiction site The
Adventures of Samwise and the Killer Milkshake.
MISSING: Finest brewed ale in all the Shire...about 1/2 pint.
Last seen: On a table near Pippin. If you've seen it, please
contact Merry at email@example.com
WANTED: Model gas
station and service garage to go with my Ford Thunderbird. I like to
play. I pay very well. firstname.lastname@example.org
WANTED: Mad scientist who can make multiple copies of me so that one
copy can play on the sports field, one can study and one can go to
work. Applicants please add a photograph also. I will read all resumes
but only the cute may be called back. email@example.com
Of Places and Geological Features,
Part XII: (Key: q. = Quenya, s. = Sindarin, where known.)
pel-: (verb) go around, encircle. Pelargir,
Pelori, Pelennor. Root of et-pel, or ephel: (noun) outer fence. Ephel
Brandir, Ephel Duath.
ram (s.) ramba (q.): (noun)
wall. Andram, Randal, Rammas Echor.
rant: (noun) course. Andurant, Celebrant.
ras, plural rais: (noun) horn.
Barad Nimras, Caradhras, Methedras, Ered Nimrais.
Thank you for considering Pippin for stewardship of
Gondor. I personally think that Tookland is a better place to
rule but the fact that you took him seriously make me incredibly
happy!!! Even if it was as the 3rd choice (He deserves
better!!! You cheated him, I tell you, cheated!!!) I am
also especially glad that you mentioned the mealtimes aspect of
With many thanks,
Aye, let's leave young master Peregrin in Tukborough where
he belongs. Though I must say, if he were steward perhaps he would
never have married Diamond and rather fallen for those tall,
dark-haired, Gondorian ladies. Ahem, ahem. But of what consequence is
that, eh? None at all, oh no.
As for third choice... Well, you see, I have more factors
than adorable hobbitishness to consider. You see, he may have been the
third considered, but that also means he wasn't the first rejected. Had
to give him a nice middle position, you see.
Wow. Look at all the doubletalk! I think I'll enter
I am impressed by
the way that you guys keep on coming up with ideas for articles. Xara's
"Hero Resumes - Finding the Right Person for the Battle" and your "The
Seat of the Steward" were both brilliant. How do you think of these
Matthas AKA Rob
Well, I can't speak for Xara, though she seems to have a very,
very devoted muse. You would be amazed at the amount of topics she has
covered in her winter store.
As for myself, inspiration is very sporadic. For "The Seat of
the Steward" I have Ivy to thank. She was having trouble thinking of
article ideas, and I told her to randomly name objects. Though I
don't know that she gained much from the activity, I was quite taken by
the word "chair". The key is to find everything, not simply large
events or awe-inspiring topics, interesting.
Even so, if you see my inspiration flitting about Canada, would
you please tell it to come home? It has been missing for quite some
Finally something in the newsletter that my brother could read!
Thank you so much for including the interview with Shawn Dunn. However
did you come up with that idea?! It was brilliant! My brother had a
great time reading it and he says thank you also.
Ah, but again the thanks belongs to someone other than myself.
It was Andrea who mentioned he was going to the convention and would
try to interview some of the speakers. All I did was insist that he
send the i Nili Newsletter a transcript. You know how, er, persuasive I
can be at times... All right, I nag, beg, and cajole, stopping
just short of blackmailing. Ooops, no! Wait! We welcome contributors! I
didn't mean to sca- Blast.
It was as much
a surprise and delight to me when he sent the extensive article and
interview. If TORn, the other recipients, did not publish it... Well,
You're both welcome. Glad to have another reader, even if it was
only for one issue!
Woah, woah, woah!!! I think I'll start from the beginning!
Pungolo, who are you and why haven't you written for us before?! I was
amazed, you actually got to interview that guy? LUCKY!!! Actually,
Shawn Dunn is lucky too, working with Weta Digital. You're all lucky!!!
So lucky, and meanwhile my own reporting efforts terribly come to
nothing! But enough of that, well done! Prongsie, I was surprised to
say the least when I saw your article, I hadn't expected anyone to
remember, truth be known! I'm afraid the celebrations though were
somewhat less than last years, there weren't any, to my knowledge.
ATLOTR is still going strong, but not for me. *Breaks into song*
They're writing songs of love, but not for me... *realises everyone's
staring at her and looks embarrassed" Anyway! Perian, I thought Gimli
started a dwarf colony in the Glittering Caves? Ah well, he certainly
looked the part in that chair, and I had suspected as much when he got
to stand up near Aragorn at his coronation! Ivy; GO MERRY AND PIPPIN!!!
They blew up the pirate ship! I knew they had it in
them! Rob, may I please come to your Silmarillion dress-up party?
*Grin.* Well, that was a long letter! But I still have one more
thing to say, well done everyone on the columns! I don't think I've
ever seen so many contributions!!! Fantastic!
You're quite right, that was a long letter! Gimli, yes, I think
he did start a colony, but that doesn't mean he oversaw it 'til the
end. He also promised to bring a hundred dwarves to work the stone of
Minas Tirith, so once again he is attached to the realm.
Fantastic contributions, eh? I'll let the writers speak for
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