Your source for Lord of the Rings News, Updates, Poetry, Art, Parody and Satire.
Issue 50, Volume 3, March 18th, 2005.
Editors: Perian, Xara.
Primary Reporter: Ivy.
Chief Correspondent: Prongs.
Columnists: Lady Morrigan Shadow, Padfoot, Cerridwen.
Contributor(s): Evenstar, Fan, Kitty, Rob Stames.
Find past archives or contribute at http://inili.iwarp.com/
Have you ever had one
of those friends who wants to know the ending to a book or movie they
haven't seen yet but you have? You know, the one who whines you day and
night, "Tell meeeeee!" "I could never!" You reply, "'Tis sacrilege!"
But they just roll their eyes and continue to plead. One such friend
had I, and I discovered a way to please her, and punish her for her
curiosity at the same time. Next time someone asks you how a book or
movie ended, perhaps you should try this.
"Please, please, please! Tell me, how does Return of the King end!?!"
"I can't tell you! It would spoil it!"
"But I have to know!"
"Well, all right. Ok, so Frodo and Sam have reached Mount Doom to destroy the Ring, right? But just as Frodo is about to destroy the Ring, he decides he doesn't want to! He decides to claim the Ring for himself instead! But Sam knows that if Frodo does this then all of Middle Earth will come to ruin, so he tries to plead with Frodo, but to no avail. So finally, desperately, Sam tries to grab the Ring off Frodo and destroy it himself. But then Frodo, in a jealous rage, pushes Sam into the fires of Mount Doom! And Sam dies horribly! Then, realizing what he has just done, Frodo is so ashamed that he throws himself into the fires after him! And in the process the Ring is destroyed. The end."
"Woooow...I always knew Frodo was a bastard!"
"He's not a bastard! How dare you!"
"But he pushed Sam in!"
"No he didn't."
"I was just teasing. Ok, here's what really happens. Frodo and Sam are standing above the fires of Mount Doom about the destroy the Ring, when suddenly, Sam, overcome by the lure of the Ring, tries to grab it off Frodo. But Frodo resists, knowing that he cannot fail now after travelling so far. So Sam draws his sword and kills Frodo! But then, as he gets to his feet, he slips on the blood on the ground and falls into the fire, destroying himself and the Ring!"
"Woah. Sam always seemed so nice! That sure was a powerful Ring!"
"Yeah, so powerful it corrupted poor Frodo at the last minute..."
"Hang on a second! You didn't say anything about the Ring corrupting Frodo!"
"I know, I was still teasing."
"Ugh!!! Come ON! Tell me the real ending!"
"Ok, ok! Frodo and Sam are at the fires of Mount Doom. They're about to destroy the Ring. When suddenly, Frodo decides to claim the Ring for himself! He refuses to destroy it. So, in a bid to save Middle Earth, Sam overcomes his love and loyalty to his master, helped a bit by his disgust that Frodo should succumb to the Ring's power after dragging him all the way across Middle Earth, and pushes Frodo into the Fires, destroying the Ring in the process!"
"And you're sure that's the real ending?"
"Well, actually it's not."
"Argh!!! I'm gonna kill you!"
"No please! Don't! Ok, I'll tell you! Really this time! Ok, Frodo and Sam are at Mount Doom, about to destroy the Ring, when Frodo gets corrupted by it's power! He claims the Ring for himself! So Sam's all upset and everything but he loves his master, and there's nothing he can do! But then, just as Frodo puts on the Ring, drawing the gaze of Sauron, out of nowhere Gollum appears! And he jumps on top of Frodo, even though he can't see Frodo because he's invisible, and against all odds manages to bite off Frodo's finger, the finger that Frodo was wearing the Ring on! So then Frodo falls to the ground in agony, and Gollum starts jumping around for joy, and he jumps so hard he loses his footing, and falls back into the fire! BAM! The Ring is destroyed!"
"...I don't believe you. That's the most ridiculous of all the ones you've told me."
"You're right. That one was a bit far fetched. But I'll tell you something: One of those was the real ending."
"Ooooh, I bet it's the first one!"
"We'll see. We'll see..."
To Be Or Not To
Be ... Gay
By Prongs and Rob Stames.
Disclaimer: This article touches on a controversial subject. If you have an aversion toward any of the words in the title you would do well to read it- that is, skip ahead. The newsletter staff take no responsibility for any facial discolouration, spontaneous swearing, or momentary madness resulting from the combination of article topic and reader's dogma. Thank you. -Ed.
After a long
absence from the newsletter (which I greatly apologise for), Rob and I
are back with a somewhat controversial article. Apologies in advance if
you are offended by what you are about to read. Please note the
So, as always, the idea for this article began with a discussion that Rob and I had. As usual, I was working in the ER on Sunday morning when a rather disturbing incident took place. I had just settled a new patient into his room and was handing the chart in to the nurse. She gave the forms a once over ... then took a closer look at them. The conversation that followed with her fellow nurses ticked me off (for sake of those with delicate ears, I will not recount the conversation verbatim). Under the label "spouse", I had typed "Alex". The nurse assumed that "Alex" was male and promptly stated that she would not treat a gay couple (in the first place, it wasn't the couple who were here for treatment and in the second place, shut up). As it turns out, "Alex" was short for Alexandra (edited by Rob: and she was all woman, if you know what I mean). Can you understand why I was upset?
I debated long and hard over whether to report the nurse (edited by Rob: if you can even call her a nurse) to the hospital board. In fact, I even had a conversation with Rob about it over dinner later that night -- and he came up with the brilliant idea of letting off my steam in an article. A lot of what I am about to say is his input also. This is our opinion and not the opinion of anyone else on the newsletter staff (they may agree with some of our points but we take full responsibility if anyone gets offended by what we have written).
Rob and I are both very religious people and the fact that we are both of different faiths is what keeps our relationship strong and our lives interesting. But aside from being religious people, we are also very open-minded individuals. We both have friends who are gay and they are some of the most incredible people we know. Newsflash: these people are no different from you and me. They play sports, they read, they write, they study, drink coffee, paint, cook ... so they like members of the same sex -- so what? Does that make them bad people? I don't think so. Yet, there are so many people in this world (the nurse being one of them) who have a problem with gay people.
Gay bashing really makes me mad. Whether these people are gay or not, they are still human beings who ought to be treated with respect. I remember there being a huge uproar a year or two ago, when it was thought that Dom Monaghan and Elijah Wood were in a relationship (er, with each other I mean) because they were very touchy-feely (er, with each other again) -- they hugged a lot, they kissed each other on the cheek. As it turns out, those rumours were false but the commotion and discussion it caused among fans was insane.
I think it's wonderful that those two were so comfortable with each other and so close to each other that they felt that they could hug and kiss in front of other people. I do that a lot. My friend Nataly and I are incredibly close -- we were roommates in our first year of university. We hug each other, we kiss each other on the cheek, we walk down the street with our arms around each others' waists -- we are very close to each other. She is one of my greatest friends in the world and someone I know I can count on if I ever got into trouble. We both have steady boyfriends but that still doesn't stop the tongues a-wagging. Apparently it's "not the right thing to do" this going around hugging and kissing each other. Well, to that I say "Go dunk your head in a toilet full of poop" (edited by Rob: she actually said a lot worse). It's our life, it's their (Dom and Elijah's) lives, let us/ them lead it the way we/ they want to. In an increasingly liberal world, I think it's sad that people are distancing themselves from other wonderful human beings just because the "others" happen to be gay. But, that's just my opinion anyway.
What If Hobbits
As I was searching for
inspiration for the story that I am currently writing I watched as my
favourite cat sauntered into my room and stared at my poster of the
hobbits, well actually Trouble (my cat) was staring at a lady bug
on the poster, but that's beside the point. As I was watching my
cat an idea hit me, What if
hobbits had pets?
Seriously, do you ever see an adorable hobbit lass playing with her favourite kitten? Do you ever see a hobbit lad playing fetch with his dog? No, you don't. Well, OK, I do have to give credit. There is a dog in The Fellowship of the Ring, you know, towards the beginning of the movie, just after Smeagol says those two fateful words "Baggins, Shire" and then we see the black rider ride up to that one hobbit home with the dog barking. Other then that instance almost all of the other four-legged creatures that you see throughout the entire trilogy are horses or Sauron's wolves.
All of you that have guard dogs or some other animal that protects you think of how much they help keep you, your family, and your home safe. Now think of how guard dogs, domesticated (and well-trained) bears, Asian (Chinese or Japanese) Fighting Cats, and the like would have been able to help keep the hobbits safe from Saruman's grasps in the Scouring of the Shire.
Hobbits can be quite intelligent, they could have trained guard dogs and such to keep evil at bay. So now I leave you with this last idea to ponder over. Could the shire have been saved with the help of four legged furry friends? I think so.
Legend of Gondolin
The Middle-Earthean legend of
Gondolin has become almost a legend in itself; rumoured by many,
understood by few. In Lord of the Rings it is mentioned but three
times, once by Elrond, once in a song and once by Celeborn. And yet it
is almost impossible to be a Lord of the Rings fan without stumbling at
some point across a brief reference to Gondolin, and yet the real tale
of the hidden city is a mystery known only to veterans of The
Silmarillion. However the this tale of elves and balrogs, love,
betrayal and exile is one truly enchanting.
If I attempted to retell the entire tale of Gondolin, it would do it no justice at all. Nothing but Tolkien's own words could suffice in this matter, and he has many of them in The Silmarillion. But perhaps I can say something of the city itself and it's nature, if not the people in it. Gondolin was built by the elven king Turgon, a cousin of Galadriel, when he was guided to the hidden valley, surrounded by steep mountains on all sides, by Ulmo, lord of the waters. Fearing that the foes of Morgoth would eventually be defeated, Ulmo told Turgon to build a city that could be hidden from both friends and foes, that he and his people could disappear into, emerging only when Middle Earth's need was great.
So Turgon built Gondolin, and the people of Nevrast, Turgon's former city, removed to it secretly, leaving behind a special set of armour, which Ulmo had prophesied would one day be worn by the messenger he would send to them, when the time was right to come forth and aid the people of Middle Earth. Gondolin was surrounded on all sides by the encircling hills, and guarded by the great eagles of Thorondor, who brought messages of the world outside to King Turgon. The only way in or out of Gondolin was a hidden passage of the river through the mountains. However once in, no one was ever allowed to leave the city until the appointed time, lest they reveal the secret location to Morgoth.
And so now, perhaps you know a little more about the nature of the hidden city. But what took place there, I shall leave for Tolkien to tell.
This Fortnight: If the Light Should Ever Fade
"There is no chance of you going
over that! Where is she.....? What does she think she's.....?" Thurin
stared confused after Eiliandel, who was creeping towards a steep stone
"She's going in, why?" Aragorn answered, slightly amused.
"That's a stone wall! She cannot climb it!" Thurin protested quietly, not wishing to attract attention, "Not to mention the two guards patrolling the top of it!"
Legolas shot him a look, "Just watch. Eiliandel has her own way of getting to places." Thurin stared ahead as he saw the elf crouch near the bottom of the wall, ducking out of the guard's line of sight. Carefully, she pressed herself to the wall, and very carefully began to climb, using her control over air to keep herself against the wall. They all watched as she neared the top. The guards were looking the other way, so she swung herself over the top, very glad that she'd 'borrowed' a pair of breeches from Legolas before doing this. A sudden blast of air took care of each of the guards, knocking them against the stones and into deep slumber.
Eiliandel leaned over the wall, dropping a rope she'd carried, "Come! Hurry!" she urged. Ciryawen darted forward and easily scaled the rope, showing intense dislike for the height of the wall as she neared the top, but she climbed up it nonetheless. Meluiwen followed, having no problems concerning the height of the wall, and joined Ciryawen on look-out. Legolas held the rope steady and Elladan and Elrohir scrambled up it quickly, having only to slow down to avoiding tripping each other when they reached the top.
Aragorn climbed up after them, grinning at Eiliandel who made faces back at him, evidently extremely pleased, although Aragorn didn't know why. When he reached the top, however, he realized why she was so happy. Sometime in between her initial climb and Aragorn's ascent, she'd pulled the thickest fog Aragorn had ever seen into the stronghold. He couldn't even see the edge of the wall they were standing on.
"A little tired of fog?" Aragorn asked her as Legolas began to climb.
"Me? No. I just thought I'd share the pleasure of it with everyone," Eiliandel answered dryly as she stepped aside for Legolas to have room to climb over. Legolas looked at the fog and shook his head, a grin crossing his face. He should have known that Eiliandel would have something aside from a climbing rope up her sleeve.
"Hurry Thurin!" Aragorn said as he looked over the edge. Thurin was barely halfway up the rope in the same amount of time three elves had taken to scale it. Eiliandel held out her hand and Thurin suddenly rose to the edge of the wall, a powerful gust of wind roaring upward. Legolas and Aragorn assisted him over.
Thurin stared at Eiliandel, "How did you...?" he had to stop to catch his breath.
Legolas answered, "Enchantress."
Thurin straightened, "Well, that explains that then doesn't it?" he replied, now understanding Eiliandel's odd outlook on entering the stronghold, "Follow me. I'll show you where she is." Thurin led them through the fog, thankful that Eiliandel had moved it enough to allow him to see the edge of the wall as they walked.
* * *
Haradion stared out the window glaring at the fog. He hated fog which was why he and Talath had cursed the City to have to live in it for weeks. Sighing he settled back to reading a book on elves, hoping to find a weakness of some kind so that he could crack the elvish queen's resolve when she finally woke. He looked up as the door opened.
"Right through here, up the
stairs," Thurin said as he opened the door, only to find himself face
to face with Haradion. "M'lord! "he exclaimed. Haradion glared at him,
taking in the others present. He recognized the king and the prince off
"You......" Haradion grabbed his staff and began to raise the carved wooden pole above his head, obviously about to bring the wrath of decades down on Thurin. Thurin cringed, waiting for the worst. It never came. A fireball erupted in front of Haradion, forcing him back and allowing Aragorn to pull Thurin back as Eiliandel stepped forward. "Ah! Istawen's little girl, I never thought I'd have to kill you too." Haradion sneered as he recognized her. Eiliandel's face hardened but she didn't bother to answer his taunts, instead circling him carefully, obviously waiting. Haradion muttered and the entire building shook, throwing most off their feet. Eiliandel however, remained standing and responded by causing all that was in the room to be blown out, effectively clearing the floor and walls of anything he could throw at her.
"Go get Arwen!" Legolas turned to the others, " I will stay here to assist her if need be. Meluiwen and Ciryawen, go with Elladan and Elrohir and clear the stronghold of any remaining guards!" he said as they heard the remnants of Haradion's forces rushing to their master's aid.
Arwen was thrown to the floor as the stronghold shook, shattering the windows and hurling objects from their place. The shaking subsided only to be followed by an incredibly loud crashing sound. Arwen moved closer to the centre of her room, not knowing what would follow.
Aragorn pulled Thurin along as
he headed for the stairs, Legolas remaining near Eiliandel, Elrohir and
Meluiwen running to one side of the stronghold to meet the other forces
in battle while Elladan and Ciryawen challenged the forces on the other
side. A huge tremor rocked the building as Haradion and Eiliandel began
to test each other.
"What are they doing?" Thurin gasped as they dodged a piece of falling masonry.
"They're testing each other," Aragorn explained, having watched Eiliandel fight before, though it had only been in mock battles with her husband, "They're trying to get through the other's defense, once that happens, there is no telling what forces they will conjure." Aragorn had to shout the last part as a gust of wind literally roared past. They hurried up the stairs to Arwen's room, unsure of how long it was safe to remain near the duel of magic.
"I'll stand guard! Get your wife!" Thurin volunteered as Aragorn began trying the door. Aragorn nodded and, unable to get the handle catch to release, simply kicked her door in. He saw the flash of her long hair before her beautiful face came into view, as she turned around, startled.
"Estel?" she breathed, staring at him.
"Arwen." he closed the gap, wrapping his arms around her, "Are you all right?" he asked once she was safely in his arms.
Arwen never had a chance to reply, as a voice came behind them, "How touching," Thurin walked through the door, "It is a pity that your love for her blinded you." his voice sounded like ice shattering as he slammed the door shut, locking them together in the room.
Aragorn tightened his grip on Arwen as he stared at the door, and then shook his head, "I'm sorry, meleth, I'm sorry," he whispered to her as the room shuddered as either Haradion or Eiliandel dealt a blow.